Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Fallows Tears

The one that smiles all the time woke up to dread.
The day ahead, faced full body, but still empty.
Remembering the words of her in law pedigree, the dread trying to be swallowed like the pink colored tablets used to help numb the physical pain.

Trying to ignore the fears of the realization.
"Don't worry, you will have anxiety, I did, and you know how strong I am," says the matriarch.
"When it surfaces, it's all normal, look, it even happened to me, it's all normal. Just be ready for it. Be prepared. I just wanted to let you know."

Not needing to hear that in recovery. Not needing to look for anxiety.
Waiting for anxiety to delve her tight grasp around your heart.
The heart rate increase.
The flush colored neck,
The tightening of the throat,
Not being able to swallow back the lump
The effect it has on the breathing.

Oh those tears!
The tears begin to fall so easily that you can't catch them in time. Usually a quick swallow and everything is magically held back, surface appears as normal.

But this time, like all the snowflakes waiting to blanket us with cold, surprising and sudden, the waiting for it is near over.

They fall, those tears, they fall in breathless anxiety.
No reason for depression.
Hormones aren't affected after all.
Nothing natal about it this time, right?
Wrong! It is all natal because it's no more natal.
The focus on improving, resting, shifting to those words from the loved one.
She means well, but a slip in remembering the soul that she speaks with.
To expect the panic.

Panic isn't enjoyable when it's in anticipation.
It hurts.
Suddenly for no reason she finds herself cleaning up after the mess that was sung as blubbering.

The much anticipated nerve reflex finally arrived.
Tears and tears like you'd see when one is kneeling to say goodbye one last time at a mourning wake.

The shock of the coldness brings her back to reality.
The reality that it cannot be undone.
Not that she'd want it to be.

After the heaving,
Intense whimpering,
Overcoming the flushed pulse beating through her barren body,
She looks up to the sky, silently wills herself to be content, and then a bird is seen overhead.
In the Ginkgo tree near by.
The empty leafless tree doesn't stop her from singing.
Just because change has blown away life, doesn't mean the bird cannot still sing her special
powerful intense song.
While the weather is growing cold,
Waiting anytime now for the blanket of snow, that colorful bird is seen.
Red the reminder of passion and excitement.
The reminder of her own strong voice.
A female bird that sends the intuitive glance to listen within herself.
To open up just a bit more her ears, her eyes, to allow herself the tears
But just for a little while.

Teaching that tearful woman by the flight of her ascent into the sky, how to help improve her Voice, and embracing the raw moments of her emotions, the truth is seen.
A representation of change, things in 12.

She, the mere two legged human is now at peace.
Needing that moment of intense emotional relapse,
The strength that came from the fallen tears
The brief moment of doubt
Along with the panic attack
Helped her to see so much more,
And she turned, smiling, as she prepare for the exciting rest of her life.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I am okay.
I am guessing that swing was due to coming off the pain medication.
And I am glad, especially now, and once again, that my mother in law was right.
I am glad for the new me, the change that I decided, but that won't stop me from singing my song even though the leaves have fallen.


tex said...

Had me a bit frightened when I read this.....
I was like, "WTF?" We have too much stuff to still reminisce about!
Talk with ya soon Crusty!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Cheryl said...

That was beautiful. Seems like you came full circle and I'm glad to hear you're smiling again.

So snow? Really? Hard to imagine when it was in the 70's today. Of course, it could be 35 next week. In fact, the news just came on and said a dramatic cold front is coming our way.

Portia said...

This is beautifully written, Crusty. I hate to hear about you hurting, but I also think the tears are good to shed. I can't say that I know, but I could imagine having those feelings without dealing with coming off of pain meds too. Anyway, I'm glad you are feeling better now:)
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

Mary said...

Crusty, As usual your writing is beautiful. I do understand those feelings. When a little time has past I'll share something that a friend said to me. It made me feel more in tune with my new reality.

simonsays said...

Beautiful. Really.

Happy Thanksgiving!

austere said...

This is beautiful- sorry words so fragile had to come from the depths of your pain.

That story about the blue bird of happiness? Well, now I have a story about a red bird on a gingko tree.

I want an update on the terrific trio.

austere said...

This is beautiful- sorry words so fragile had to come from the depths of your pain.

That story about the blue bird of happiness? Well, now I have a story about a red bird on a gingko tree.

I want an update on the terrific trio.

austere said...

happy thanksgiving and thank you for giving so much of yourself and your laughter and your way of looking at things here.

thank you!

captain corky said...

Wow! That was really powerful.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving Crusty. Glad I'm sharing part of it with you. ;)

abbagirl74 said...

Happy Thanksgiving Momma!

JLee said...

You have such a wonderful way with words....
Have a great Thanksgiving :)

KYRIE said...

Happy Thanksgiving my friend! I am thankful to have u as a friend :)
Take care.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Happy Thanksgiving Crusty


No, all that ice cream of yours did it's job..I'm fine..just writing about a couple of days ago...rehashing the memory to teach me more..I write therefore I learn. :)

Cheryl: True! it's been so nice here, but there's something so peaceful about the first of the year light snow!!! Enjoy that meal, I can't wait for the baked pineapple..(making note to take a picture of it) where are my batteries..

Portia: As always, you make me feel so good..thanks for being such a good friend-all of you for that matter!!-hurting is good sometimes to help make the weak stronger for the next hurdle..after all we all have hurdles to face..all of us, right?
happy gobbles and good food! TOday is your friday!!! :)

Mary: I would love to hear about it sometime, when you're ready!! Am I going to be emotional? :) hahah. Have a great day today with your family!!

Simon: I hope you're doing okay today!! Thinking of you! Make that LJ list today when you can!! IT will help!!! :)

Austie; THANK YOU!!! I don't mind the emotional flucuation actually, as there was a time while on meds I felt completely numb, I couldn't cry if I wanted too, so this is good!! :)

Captn: That's cause you want some of my left over pain med's for your salvation army pal, right? Save me the gizzard! Happy first thanksgiving to you guys as wonderful it will be to see holidays through the eyes of your's awesome!!

Abbagirl: You must be soo tired! I hope you're having a good day..and thinking of you tomorrow on BLACKFRIDAY!! EGADS!! maybe not as busy for you? But hope today is good holiday for you!!

JLee: I pray that results for you turn out very good..which it will..biopsy's are the worst to endure...soon you'll see your "eclipse!" Heehee!

Kyrie: I have apple pie ice cream-you want a scoop? HOpe you're fairing okay today!!! You will be in my thoughts!!

PSS: I have cakebread and will be toasting it to you..Hope you and your beloved loves have a great day today!!


Kelly Jene said...

That was so beautifully written.... I can't wait to get to know you more.