Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I survived Family Estrangment and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt PART I...

Happens all the time.
It's the biggest reason family rifts turns into tiffs.
Someone doesn't like something the other person is doing.
You might immediately think it's typical in families burying the "outsider" based on oh, sexual orientation, religious views, marrying outside of nationalities, race, ethnicity, blah blah blah blah blah blah-the usual subjects.

Personally? I don't get into any of that stuff I just listed above. I have witnessed intolerance over very half baked grounds. I like to think I embrace all types, Co-Exist!!! and have no grounds to judge anyone on who their heart beats for, or what their minds decide to pray for and believe in.

But there are others out there that don't see it that way.

But what if I left my children with a nasty nasty man, their alcoholic father, and took off for awhile because it was all too much to handle? Should I be "kicked out of the family because of that?"

What if I got pregnant at the age of 17 and my parents wanted me to have an abortion and I didn't? Should I be "kicked out of the family because of that?"

What if I enjoyed living in sin with a man for more then 20 years, have a child, raise a child, still never marry and enjoy getting stoned on brownies on the weekends? Should I be kicked out of the family because of that?

What if I preferred the company of my friends over my family and I wasn't the favorite one in my siblings rankings? Should I be kicked out of the family because I don't want to be around them as much?

What if I got divorced and divorce is a big no no in the family? Should I be left alone because of that?

What if everything I touch breaks, I'm hectic, I rush around, I'm spastic, and I just can't seem to get my life to mimic that of my moms, should I be left out of the cold?

What if I'm an old woman set in my ways, strong and stubborn, clueless to many different things, but no one wants to be around me because I am a pain in the ass? Should I be left alone because I have a challenging time with change? Because I like things to be done my way? Because I tend to like to control things?

I don't believe so. But there are people that do believe that it's acceptable to give up or stop because of those very reasons listed above. There are people that have continued to be hurt time and time again and for them, they feel they need to walk away. It's better to walk away then to continue to go back into a doorway of the same disappointment and hurt because they just aren't willing to see me for me.

What if it's over something that isn't abusive? What if it's because you're asking someone to give you something that you know they just cannot possibly give you? What if it's because you have set your expectations entirely way beyond the levels of the person that you seek something from? Should you then give up because the other party continues to disappoint you and hurt you? What if they didn't even know that they were hurting you? What if it's a known fact that they're not doing it out of malicious intent, hurting you, I mean.

What if what if what if?

It's like expecting the milk delivery man to bring you bread every morning, when all he can do is deliver milk. If you continue to get your hopes up and set yourself up for bread, and each morning all that is left is a carafe of milk, who's going to be upset? You. Who are you going to blame? The milk man. Is it the milk mans fault that all he can deliver to you is what he has? No. Should you then stop your order with him? Should you cancel your daily delivery because he's not giving you more then what he's capable of fitting in his truck? Or should you be happy with the fact that he brings you very good milk.

I'd say, take the milk and be happy and make your own bread, and maybe offer him a slice or two of freshly baked sourdough. Instead of being a sour douche yourself.

To me Family Estrangement can be looked at as either a TO BE CONTINUED show, a Series of books that will never end, or a 2hour movie where eventually the curtain will draw closed and that will be that. End of Story.

Drama that is usually based on a long term lack of communication and lack of acceptance for how peoples personalities are made up. Which, eventually will result in someone pulling the curtain, ending the acts. The curtain is drawn. THE END.

Imagine if all of you are directors but not one of you were willing to be a producer. You all have to be the directors of your own life, but you're not willing to take ideas on how to make the plot better, you're not willing to look at better ways to produce this movie, your life. When you know damn well you have the capabilities of being able to not only direct, but produce and be an actor, damn it. Not everyone can have those talents, but you're so damn blinded by your own stage lights that you cannot possibly figure out that there are people in your movie that also have far more intense lights blocking their view. You can pull your head out of your ass and look beyond the lights, and look alongside someone else's blinders, maybe realize that this individual is the classic audience member always stuck behind someone sitting in front of them wearing a big ass hat.

But you're so caught up in thinking that your own thermal glare is the worst ever..

Naturally you're going to have a very tough time figuring out how to explain yourself or express your feelings, especially if you have a history of poor communication amongst one another. Eventually the lack of use when it comes to words, results in the art of expression through negative actions.

When people are emotionally retarded and cannot find a way to express their emotional drama in a proper, respectful, kind way, they act out. They use actions. But unfortunately these actions are not ones that are driven from a glass half full view. When you're in that state, that emotional state of mind, your actions are expressed through symbols of the way that you're feeling at that time. The negative way. The Rage. The blinding glare of unfairness that you feel you're being given. They are not being run by your mind, rather they are being expressed through the intensity of your emotions at that very moment.

Why? Because, duh!, you just cannot stand the fact that the milk man still hasn't figured out how to give you more then just the milk. You just cannot stand the fact that the house to your left gets the milk before you. So you cancel your membership, the ties are severed. Or in this case, the udders are closed....

This ends Part I of my survival.
Part II is next...


Midwest Mommy said...

Wow, I love all the analogies that you did. Great post, really makes you think.


Welcome Midwest Mommy!! :) thanks! :)
I am sooo buying one of those go girls items.. LOVE IT! :)


Cheryl said...

It's always so interesting to read the spin you put on words. I'm often left confused, but always curious. Looking forward to part 2.

Kathy said...

You're so right --- the glass "half full" philosophy is so very powerful -- to bad its converse is so readily accepted.


Cheryl: Believe me, you're not the first friend I've confused..but hopefully there is a never ending story with this..otherwise we'll be left with no one talking to anyone..




kathy: I am just in awe over your Shiva post..I think that every faith should incorporate something like that--so many are afraid to smile at the mourning times of death...I think how you put it was p.e.r.f.e.c.t


austere said...

Sorry crusty some of that is a NO NO for me.
Yeah, need to let go of grudges.

But I tend to slot ppl and remember way after.

Mailed ya.

Ginny said...

Great writing, Crusty!

Breathlessly awaiting Part II!

But even if Part II never arrives, I love Part I!


Susan's Snippets said...

CB -

Boy..that is a lot to cover! But first and foremost in my mind is if there is abuse, especially towards a child(ren)...I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS take a stand.

not with a gentle hand


susieQ: I agree! If someone abuses someone, especially a child, i'll grab their hand and gladly walk away..keeping them away..but what my point here is more based on having false expectations on the less then wronged, wrongs..

ie: milk and bread example



austie: I'll be in touch with you as soon as I contact them--THANK YOU!!! :) It's very hard to erase a grudge..but it's harder to justify the worth of the grudge, don't you think?

thank you!! :)


Ginny: sadly there is a part II.. but thank you for the nice smiley words.. :)
It's okay..I'm wearing the "estrange" shirt today, matter of fact. :)