Tuesday, February 02, 2010

LIKE KATIE COURIC DURING HER COLONOSCOPY EXCEPT I'M NOT KATIE -WARNING!! ICKY INSIDE PICTURES!!!!!!---

As you all know, I have issues with my tushie. I have been dubbed Tuba ass from my close friends, because you just don't know what sort of sounds/issues will come up with my poor rear end.

As the day of the Colonoscopy approached, I feared the nasty beverage, and would rather have been eating the chocolate gelt you see behind the colon prep Movicrap.









2times! Yes, I had to drink out of this nasty jug. 2 times, filled up to the rim, 8oz in 15minute increments. Man, woman, thing, I have to say the stuff made me sick after I started the 2nd prep. Just about an hour after finishing the first jug.
I mean, vomit sick in addition to what it's "supposed to doodoo."

But I was prepared for what lay ahead.





You see, I was warned that the tushie could very well begin to burn due to the amount of time and well, you know, "stuff coming out of the rear."

So, I bought tushie cleansing wipes and pulled out Ben's pull up wipes. Not to short change myself, I also pulled out Ben'ss Chamomile and Lavender Vaseline. Then I proceeded to fill up a big pitcher* of hot water and a few washcloths.

*Picture a Crusty version of a Bidet.



Note: as the daughter of a plumber, I must tell you, never, ever, ever, flush any of those moist wipes down the toilet. Even ones meant to clean the rear. They will mess up your pipes, eventually.




You can see from this picture that the moist cleansers had been open. The pitcher of hot water is out of camera view, along with the many warm washcloths in which I threw out, after this part of the "prep."

I do have to tell you, well, urge you, that if you ever have to prep for a colonoscopy, use all of the items I listed above.

After the first time you start going, here's the steps I highly suggest you take:



1) wet moist adult and child wipe.

2) dab dab dab with the toilet paper.
3) Crusty Bidet (splash or pour or with aid of cloth, douse the backend with that warm water)
4) APPLY LARGE AMOUNTS of the Vaseline around the area. (but use the lavender chamomile kind.) Check the baby aisles of your local store. Trust me, your bottom will thank you.
5) Oh, and have an extra roll of TP near by, should you finish the first roll. It's not easy getting up off the toilet when you're mount Rushmore butt style.




I thought I would be satisfied having more then enough reading material, but I never got around to even seeing what's up with the Jonas brothers because when the prep takes effect, all you can do is focus.

Focus on what will sound like a man's pee first thing in the morning. HA, How many followers have I just lost? Because that's what it will sound like; pee.
Except it will be out of the rear end.



B
But, if you're lucky, and you do the prep right, and you have the right person alongside you to take you home and hold your hand, you might get to bring home a cool souvenir.....


WARNING!!!!! DO NOT SCROLL DOWN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE MODERN MEDICINE COLON PICTURES!!!






A HEALTHY LOOKING COLON!!

Yep, that would be my colon. I, in my twilight haze, asked my doctor for pictures. According to him when he asked who I planned on showing, I told him the Internet.
What?

If you can see the diagram below the pictures, you'll be able to match the numbers with each frame of picture.
Because they're not in order.
According to my Specialist, I've got the colon of a 20 year old.

Yes, and that last picture? That would be picture 9, the anus.
Yes, those are what you think-"piles of grapes."

Or what a Doctor would dub as hemorrhoids.

See? I told you this was like the colonoscopy debut of Katie Couric. Only I'm not Katie Couric, nor do I have a job like hers, nor a salary like hers.

Just pictures of my large intestines, the start of my small intestines and my butt crack.
Pretty freakin' fabulous, don't you think?

Don't say I didn't warn you about viewing the post.
Because I did.

**UPDATE: I was so into showing you my "in toos" that I forgot to mention this lil bit on tushies. As you recall, I spent a Sunday in the hospital due to what they thought was food poisoning so they didn't run any tests. Except one that I asked them to, a fecal test. Because as quick and ill as I got, because of my history, I wanted to rule out any bacteria. The test comes in two days later, results sent to my primary doctor, no bacteria. So, it was obvious that perhaps it wasn't food poisoning, and more so a really bad attack.

You would imagine my surprise, when 3 days afterwards, a bill came in the mail, in the amount of $95osomething dollars. I have it around here somewhere.

$950 to take what looks like a mini Popsicle stick, scrap the um, er "sample" onto the stick. Picture someone scraping brown thick paste (suddenly I have lost even more followers) along the inside of the plastic white bowl and pushing the scraped portion that lay pooled on the mini Popsicle stick into a larger version of a test tube. To be tested of course.

$950 for that.
$950 for shoveling crap onto a stick and then into a tube.
Of course, my responsibility for that is only, $250.oo.
So here you go, here's $250 of my husband's hard earned money to scrap and read, my poop shoot.

If that's not enough to make me sick, well, thankfully I reminded myself of the colon prep and laughed because I haven't even received the bill for the doctor that got to read the crap test.

I imagine that'll be a hoot to see too. I wonder if he cooked it?
You know, Cook Poo?*

*those of you that watch the show will know what I'm talking about.*

8 comments:

Susan's Snippets said...

CB -

I just HAD to come back here today and see if anyone had commented!

I think you should be nominated for an award for this post...it is the first time I have ever seen one of my blogger friends from the inside out!!

made me gasp and shout

CRUSTYBEEF said...

HA! Thanks Snippets!
It's funny, don't you think, that a plumbers daughter would have poop issues?


I think the lack of comments are due to the fact that I revealed just a lil tiny bit too much of myself. lol!! I think I ruined many lunches, as they brown bagged it to work and surfed during their lunch hour.

Nominate my tushie.
Its the one that lacks all the cushion.

creative-type dad said...

OK, I really thought you were joking about the pictures.

I feel like I've known you for years now...

Anonymous said...

Yeah....so sorry I scrolled down. Thanks Beef!!!
D :0)

Martha said...

Awesome post! I laughed and cringed and then laughed some more. But that whole prep thing does suck. Been there. Painful.

Jamie said...

Well, now we can all say we know you, inside and out. But I want to know - if your insides look like those of a healthy twenty year old, then what is wrong with you? Why do you keep going through all the problems? Do they know? Too often, we have all these bad, bad problems and the medical field just comes up empty...and I am happy that they found nothing bad, but where does that leave you?

Hugs, friend. You have been through so much. I just want you to feel better. Big, big hugs.

Cheryl said...

Glad you got through this OK. Love how you put it all out there! Gonna do anything about the grapes ? :)

Moohaa said...

Glad it's over!

I emailed you.. :)