Fallows Tears

The one that smiles all the time woke up to dread.

The day ahead, faced full body, but still empty.

Remembering the words of her in law pedigree, the dread trying to be swallowed like the pink colored tablets used to help numb the physical pain.

Trying to ignore the fears of the realization.

"Don't worry, you will have anxiety, I did, and you know how strong I am," says the matriarch.

"When it surfaces, it's all normal, look, it even happened to me, it's all normal. Just be ready for it. Be prepared. I just wanted to let you know."

Not needing to hear that in recovery. Not needing to look for anxiety.

Waiting for anxiety to delve her tight grasp around your heart.

The heart rate increase.

The flush colored neck,

The tightening of the throat,

Not being able to swallow back the lump

The effect it has on the breathing.

Oh those tears!

The tears begin to fall so easily that you can't catch them in time. Usually a quick swallow and everything is magically held back, surface appears as normal.

But this time, like all the snowflakes waiting to blanket us with cold, surprising and sudden, the waiting for it is near over.

They fall, those tears, they fall in breathless anxiety.

No reason for depression.

Hormones aren't affected after all.

Nothing natal about it this time, right?
Wrong! It is all natal because it's no more natal.

The focus on improving, resting, shifting to those words from the loved one.

She means well, but a slip in remembering the soul that she speaks with.

To expect the panic.

Panic isn't enjoyable when it's in anticipation.

It hurts.

Suddenly for no reason she finds herself cleaning up after the mess that was sung as blubbering.

Whimpering.

The much anticipated nerve reflex finally arrived.

"WHAT DID I DO?"

Overwhelmed.

Tears and tears like you'd see when one is kneeling to say goodbye one last time at a mourning wake.

The shock of the coldness brings her back to reality.

The reality that it cannot be undone.

Not that she'd want it to be.

After the heaving,

Intense whimpering,

Overcoming the flushed pulse beating through her barren body,

She looks up to the sky, silently wills herself to be content, and then a bird is seen overhead.

In the Ginkgo tree near by.

The empty leafless tree doesn't stop her from singing.

Just because change has blown away life, doesn't mean the bird cannot still sing her special

powerful intense song.

While the weather is growing cold,

Waiting anytime now for the blanket of snow, that colorful bird is seen.

Red the reminder of passion and excitement.

The reminder of her own strong voice.

A female bird that sends the intuitive glance to listen within herself.

To open up just a bit more her ears, her eyes, to allow herself the tears

But just for a little while.

Teaching that tearful woman by the flight of her ascent into the sky, how to help improve her Voice, and embracing the raw moments of her emotions, the truth is seen.
A representation of change, things in 12.

She, the mere two legged human is now at peace.

Needing that moment of intense emotional relapse,

The strength that came from the fallen tears

The brief moment of doubt

Along with the panic attack

Helped her to see so much more,

And she turned, smiling, as she prepare for the exciting rest of her life.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I am okay.

I am guessing that swing was due to coming off the pain medication.

And I am glad, especially now, and once again, that my mother in law was right.

I am glad for the new me, the change that I decided, but that won't stop me from singing my song even though the leaves have fallen.

The Humor Is There

Can't write too much.
Still terribly sore and in pain. The gas pain has localized and is "stuck" behind my left shoulder blade, but I'm keeping up on my GAS-X tablets to help minimize the irritation.
The area most painful is due to the fact that she had to cut out a pretty amount of scar tissue, from my 3 csections..that will take awhile but a new day and less pain is how I look at it.
The pain is nasty if I'm not swimming in the pain meds, (which are Darvocet and Toredol(sp?)).
Therefore I'm following the proper dosage amounts and hope to begin taking regular Tylenol tomorrow.


I had a smooth procedure, doc said everything went well, and said to say bye bye to those "little friends" the cinfullycysts.

I did have a slight issue with my heart rate, apparently it skyrocketed when they reversed the general to bring me back to aware world. The rates are supposed to go back to "normal" gradually, but my heart rate shot up.

I asked for the patch.
They gave me the patch and stuck it behind my ear, as well as a drink of some reflux salty tasting sweetart flavoring chalky drink prior to surgery.

While in recovery,I had multiple doses of Zofran, (Zoltan!! hee-hee, cheesy funny movie! Have you seen my car?) and maxed out my limit with them fairly quickly.

The Demerol they were giving me, while in recovery, made me dizzy and sick to my stomach, , so I opted to wait until I could manage swallowing a pill and just dealt with the pain because of the affects I had from the Demerol. I hated that feeling, so groggy and out of it and the sounds of the machines that were beeping really made it worse for some reason.


All is good, recovery is slow but improving..my sleep is awful, but that will improve too.
My surgeon/gyne gal doc called to see how I was feeling.
The head charge nursed called to see how I was doing, as well as the recovery nurse..so I am quite content with their follow up. Follow up is so important in any job that is done. Going an extra inch makes a huge difference.

But, you're more interested in what happened while I was coming out of the general, right?
What sort of kookie things did I say?

What happens to Crusty while under a general anesthetic?:

"Where are all those young boys that I was high-fiving?"

"What time is it? I have to be home by 12:30 to take Jackson to school."

"Did I have an accident on the operating table?"

"What time is it? I have to be home by 12:30 to take Jackson to school."

"Where are those little boys that were giving me high 5's?

"Did I poop on the operating table when the music was playing?"

"What time is it? Is it 12:30 yet? I have to be home to take Jackson to school."

"I think I pooped on the operating table, did I?"

According to my foggy memory, as well as the information from my recovery nurses, those are the questions I continued to ask, over and over and over and Over and OVER again...

Welcome To Crustybeef~
Time to go back and "rest." I'll RYAL!!
At least my humor is there, right?

T3 and Crusty-Not a Good Match

Remember how on Monday I was given a prescription for Tylenol 3 with Codeine for my tooth ache/infection?-YUCK!

I took a half of one Monday evening (as you know from my previous previous post.)

Well, I guess sometime in the middle of the night I woke up, headed downstairs to the kitchen pantry, and began raiding my kids party favor bags for candies.

I had Pop Rocks, Grape Flavored Nerds candy, and there was something else, but now I can't remember it.

The only reason I know this to be true is that the next morning, near my bed was the empty wrappers-oh, and did I mention there was an ice cream Sundae in that mix? Yeah, I think that T3 and I just don't work well together.

I turn into this munching zombie that devours everything that will only spiral my tooth decay further down the drain of abyss and sewage.

If I wanted to be a munching zombie eating crap in the middle of the night, I'd have said "YES!" to weed.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I've got more for you, and I'll catch up with you later..
Speaking of "weed", when pregnant with Sullivan while we were in Florida, I had horrible depression and severe stomach issues-sick to my stomach constantly, constantly constantly!! I felt as though my entire body was stuck out at sea in a little dingy for 7months-one doctor suggested getting ahold of some marijuana to curb my seasick belly-WHAT???????????
I'm serious Clark, ask Bigdogg!