Friday, March 02, 2007

The Best Policy

It's all about honesty.

Why as mere humans do we find it so hard to just say what's on our mind?

Perhaps when expressed, your captured feelings seem to convert into a badminton match of the blame game.
A personal assault on our inner most insecurities. You can't say how you feel without getting a retaliatory remark back, therefore causing us to avoid the confrontation at all costs-even if it means not talking anymore.

Husbands refrain from telling telling their wives, "you know what? That new color in your hair just doesn't suit you."


Because they're afraid of the response. They don't want to expose the truth- not because they're hiding something, more so because of the reply. They don't want to hurt that person.

It's ashame that friends severe their relationship because of a lack of communication.
It's ashame that a husband can't tell his wife what's on his mind, because he's afraid it'll turn into an all out battle.
It's ashame that families separate because no one wants to accept the fact that we're all different, and if only they'd agree to disagree once in awhile there'd be a sense of togetherness.

Impossible, right?
I mean, why risk feeling hurt? Why risk honesty?
Better to keep the mouth shut, better to avoid confrontation than to, GASP, be honest, right? Than to actually express to the best of your abilities your feelings at that time.

So, here's an example of why the truth may hurt, but it's still the truth:

My very close friend, best friend- will be getting married in a month. Initially it was arranged that her and her beloved will be eloping. Turns out, that my other "best friend" will be heading out there to be "in the" wedding. WHOA! STOP RIGHT THERE! The last time I checked, there was just an elopement going on, now all of a sudden there's a witness, and family members, how come I haven't been told any of this? Why am I being left out of the audience?
So, I expressed myself. Sure, I'm not the greatest at that. I've been known to be the "avoid confrontation at all costs" type. I did express myself, and although it initially seemed headed in the wrong direction, it worked itself out.
By me asking the bride to be if I could at least come to see her get married.
She said no.
Sure, you're probably thinking, "how could she do that," "If she can have her other friend, as well as some family members, why in the hell can't you go just be apart of the excitement?"
Because she was honest with me.
Because she communicated to me that there are other people that are pissed that they can't "come" to see the marriage take place. That it's turning into a huge issue.
You know what? I'm okay with that.
Why? Because she was truthful with me.
Sure, I didn't lie when I told her that it bums me out that I can't be there. I didn't lie when I said, I feel left out. But guess what, those are my issues to deal with. It's not like she woke up and said, "lets leave out crustybeef," just to hurt my feelings.
By her communicating with me, communicating all of it with me, makes perfectly good sense. Her witness, my other "best friend," has been her friend since at least highschool. They've been friends longer than when I first came into the picture, 13 years ago. It makes sense that she'd want her best friend, her true sister to stand by her side. It makes perfectly good sense.
Now I could've easily not said anything to her when the emails started going back and forth, but than chances are, I'd have carried around more hurt than necessary. Chances are we might have stopped talking all together. It's hard enough maintaining a friendship when you're on one side of the US and she's on the other.
But, I communicated.
It wasn't easy at first. I'm not so good at it. (although the bigdogg will disagree, probably because of the "practice" that tends to occur with him.)
The funny thing is, I'm not hurt.
I don't feel left out anymore.
I feel GOOD inside.
Good that someone respects me enough to be honest.
Good that my friend, as much as she loves me, isn't afraid to be honest with me.
Just shows you the types of friends that I have. Sure, the truth hurts, but it is her wedding, after all. It's her day. I had my day, and I had the hurt that went into the planning of it all. She's doing it the right way. She's not caring what people think, she's doing what she wants, to the best of her ability.

Unfortunately, I cared, had someone only blogged this prior to my marriage, I'd have probably changed a few things on that day. (note to bigdogg: I wouldn't have changed getting married-ever!!)

There are definitely issues that can arise when telling the truth.
It can be very difficult for people to separate their feelings from facts. I think a great deal of us have a difficult time coping with the difference. Here's how I see it:

You lie= it's your issue
You lie and they find out= it becomes a hurtful issue between the liar and the lied to.

Or, you could just be honest!

By being honest you release a strong burden off your shoulders, and therefore it does become the recipient's issue for coping with the spoken truth.

Sure we all have our issues. Abandonment, Control, Being Included,or being left out, for that matter, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to communicate when we're upset. After all, the last time I checked, there wasn't a wrong or right answer to feelings. That's why they call them FEELINGS. If you don't communicate what's upsetting you, how is anyone supposed to learn?

It's like the role between a parent and a child. If as parents, we sat on our asses and never did a thing to teach our children-it's our issue, as parents. But, if we dedicate ourselves to our children,teaching them to the best of our ability, and for whatever reason they turn down a no trespassing walkaway, it's their issue.
Not ours.
Not ours as parents.
Not ours as human beings.

Quite obviously we'd be the first to vocalize our disappointment in their actions. We'd be able to vocalize the truth of our feelings. So why can't we practice that same manner with everyone else? Is it that unconditional love between a parent and a child?

Why are we so concerned with not hurting our fellow human? Aren't we in fact hurting them more by not being honest? Sure, the truth hurts as we all know, but sometimes the things that seem to hurt the most, are the things that we learn the most from.

That wake up call to improve your sense of self.

So, if you catch yourself avoiding the confrontation, or perhaps even just refraining from the spoken truth, try opening up. Try learning from the experience of truth and I'm sure that without a doubt although there may be hurt feelings, there'll also eventually be learned communication skills that will improve your overall health as a human.

But if you should chose to continue on the path that you're on, the only person that you're allowed to blame, is yourself.

Welcome to crustybeef~
I am feeling rather expressive today-and that's the truth! Try not to take it so personal for goodness sakes.

No comments: