All of you that read this blog will be the first to know...that...I....
Gosh, I'm struggling even saying it. No one, not my family, my friends, or even my beloved bigdogg is completely aware of what I've been working towards these past few days. I've talked about it before, rather, complained about it before, but up until now, I haven't ever decided to set my mind to it.....
The first step is admitting to it, right?
Alright..Breathe, breathe and triple breathe..........
I haven't taken my prescribed zoli since saturday morning.
There I said it.
At first it wasn't intentional, as I swallowed my last blue teeny tiny zoli pill with my morning sips of hazelnut cream coffee. I made a mental note to drop off my prescription at our local CVS to have it refilled.
My bigdogg, always looking out for me, noticed that the empty prescription bottle was sitting on the kitchen counter near our much loved toaster. He picked up the empty bottle and hand in hand walked it to our mommovile to drop it off at the pharmacy for refill. I didn't even say anything to him about it, he just notices the "little things" that make quite a "BIG difference" in our family. Unfortunately the pharmacy was closed when he drove past, so he never got around to dropping it off.
Initially I had planned on dropping it off yesterday morning before an intentionally planned playdate of 5!!! boys and one mom(ME!!!), but I never got around to it.
At the park with 5boys I managed just fine, even after a situation with some rather uninvolved asshole of a father that quite obviously loves his bluetooth more than his daughter-course, you'd never hear him say that-he's the posterparent for all dads, or so he likes to think. -We'll chat about that later.
I managed all day yesterday, all night and even all day today, without once losing my marbles.
I'm sure it's only a matter of time that it'll catch up to me, and I know I've written before about stopping zoli cold turkey, even commenting on my fellow favorite bloggers about the importance of not ceasing this type of medication without weaning off and researching more, but it just sort of happened that way.
I know, I'm being hypocritical and I do apologize for that. But, what if there is a chance that (with me) since I made my mind up, I will be okay?
I stopped cold turkey smoking while pregnant and sure the moods were intense, but I got over it. (Cue those of you that know I am back to smoking, to begin writing your comments!!)
Who knows, I'm just tired of taking it. Tired of being dependent on it.
My fellow blogger at 4th avenue blues has written many times about being tired of all the things he has to deal with to just survive. How there are times that he just gets so over it all, and has dreams of walking out of his backdoor, returning to the "normalcy" of living homeless without being on any medication, or being constantly controlled by the hands that provide him with his medication.
I feel selfish, as I wrote to my other fellow blogger, Austere, about how I complain about the daily life of being a SAHM (stay at home mom) when there are so many other people out there that have true battles that they fight with on a constant basis.
The Frumpy professor is grieving a mother that he loved dearly.
I'm lucky to not have to face that yet.
Baleboostah deals with having a child that has had many problems with her heart, and surgeries to hopefully correct it.
I'm lucky to not have to face that.
So really, is stopping zoli because my mind feels strong at the moment, really that bad to do?
My life isn't bad, I have so much love around me, and it could be far worse.
I guess we'll see eventually.
Welcome To Crustybeef~
Ahhh, I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest...