Monday, October 08, 2007

Needing Music To Manage

I feel "unwritten" today.
I feel disconnected today.
I feel the emotions unraveling from the seams of the newly colored hair.

He's such the contrarian.
Not willing to acknowledge change.
Even in hair.
Even with new found antique treasures place near the eyes at suppertime.


Pushing buttons.
Words not able to be agreed upon.
But I still push for acceptance.

WHY?
Just show me your approval!
I'm just a little girl around you.
Looking for that glimmer, that twinkle in your eyes during lifes most safe times.
I need you when things are hard. But I need you when things are at rest.
That's when you talk with me-when times have fallen tough.
But it's been almost 7years since we last had that type of speaking with conversation.

I appear okay, right?

Why do the littlest things affect me the most?
Why does it matter if he doesn't see the sleek cut?
Why does it matter a conversation over an athletic player?
Why argue in debate form?

Your words can upset people.
Do you recognize this?
Your friendly banter has affected someone too close to my heart.

Why am I always grasping for words when you're present?
Why can't I just relax and be me?

I know words aren't supposed to always be the answer, and actions are true..
but a normal conversation would be nice.

You put fear in me as a young child, through disappointing you.
I aim to please.
I try to make everyone happy. I learned it from watching you both as a young child.

I saw the tears in the eyes of your love when you worked late.
When you didn't come home until after the late night news.
The stress and hard work that the woman had no choice but to delve into, having the role of mother hen to 5children 18months apart in age.

I want approval from you.
I need acceptance.

I want a friendly phone call.
I want you to look at me as innocent.
I want to hear you acknowledge something good about my parenting.
My role as wife.

Sad, isn't it?
Even at 32 I still feel like such a child.
Maybe that's why I have a hard time being with adults in my growing support of a neighborhood.
I can't help but feel childish when I'm in different roles.
That I'm not old enough.
That I'm doing it wrong.
That I need to be tougher as a parent-according to you.

Just be glad that I can manage three children everyday, that my children are polite, unique and a wonderful budding flower showing new colors as change rounds the corner.

Just show me your approval.
I shouldn't have to look for it.
I should get over it.

I just can't seem to figure out how though.
Just focus on moving us along, as my close love said to me.
Just focus on moving us.
That's all that matters.


I will try.
But my heart still holds tight to have my hidden dreams of verbal love.

Pained is how I started Monday morning.
By my frantically thinking.
My mind racing
Overplaying the past.
Way too much!
Soon it will be scratched and will skip like a dvd handled too many times by spider loving, peanutbutter eating tiny fingers.

Pam must be visiting soon.

Welcome To Crustybeef~

I had to listen to my playlist to get this out..it ironically gave me the courage to type.
Now, I'm not as unwritten as I close this post listening to the song "RUNAWAY TRAIN, "by Soul Asylum!!
Unwritten-Natasha Bedingfield
Connected-Stereo MC's

3 comments:

Josie Two Shoes said...

THis was beautifully written, Crusty. I could relate so well to some of the things you are feeling. I hope that writing it out here helped a little. It always does for me.

austere said...

hmm hullo. for want of a better thing to say.
I, personally think you're super smart and I WILL put that on stamp paper, so there.

Portia said...

i can relate. *cheers* to us not feeling so vulnerable, and even better, to these types of relations changing for the better over time:)