Day by day-screw that!!!-
Moment by moment, that's a better explanation of what I've been managing with.
I'm only managing my moments-nothing beyond that. Hurts too much to do anything else.
That's how it's been since this cold settled into my body joining forces with Pam. I feel like that guy Shia LaBeof must have felt when he stands along the side of his car as it freaks out on him and starts twisting and turning the metal into a monster talking transformation.
So is the cold part of the "Autobots" crew, and Pam "the Decepticons?"
So I'm moving along.
Barely, but moving.
That's how it was yesterday besides unraveling with this virus and not smoking. I have zero patience, the phone rings and I immediately tell myself, "SMOKE BREAK" up in my head.
I then have to remind myself, "No, no smokie for you. Go brush your tongue!"
I only had one moment that I actually had to stop and talk myself out of it. It was when Sir Nic was at his worst yesterday. The kids were fighting-correcting-screaming and yelling at each other. Ben was crying because he was in his playpen and clearly wanted to join in on the Big Brother match fun. I was attempting to cook dinner and things were just unraveling.
My mind said, "yeah, you're owed. You deserve this smoke. Go have one. One is okay. Just one. Look at all the tasks you've completed. You definitely are overdue for a Sir Nic Lung massage-go on..it's okay."
I stood at the cabinet looking at the pack of smokes up in it's place. Thinking to myself, yeah, one won't hurt. It's ONLY one. Only it never is just one. It always starts out that way-just one. But look at me now?
I opened the fridge door, and then standing there, I started tapping on the door. Playing a tune to the song Sir Nic was trying to create up in my head. Reaching for food, I had to then remind myself to not begin replacing Nic's habit with Freddie Food habit.
I couldn't run down to the computer as my initial game plan was to replace the Nic habit with a browse on the Internet habit. Reason? The children were seated at the table now, eating breakfast for supper.
I just had to stand there and out loud say to myself, "get over the hump of the urge. It should only last 5minutes. You've had contractions before, so just breathe Crusty, breathe."
And Breathe I did. The craving past and time moved on.
Moment by Moment is how I'm taking it. I can't have just one either. I can't disappoint myself.
Plus, Sullivan is still doing wonders without his 'blank.' IF a 3 year old can give up his first love, than I can give up a nasty habit. My driving force behind this is the physical being of my Sullivan. I can't smoke now. Not until he begs and pleads or us to pull down his blanket off the wall. He did fine at naptime yesterday without even asking for it. And last night was wonders as well.
He even stayed in his bed all night.
If he can refrain from using his Linus/PigPen mixture of a blanket, than I can refrain from killing my lungs one more day. Moment by moment.
It helps to still be sick. This cold actually is turning out to be a gift. Granted today finds me worse than yesterday. Today finds me still with a horrible fever, the back of my throat raw. Even the hot salt water does nothing now. But the coughing is beginning to surface, the aches are worse today and I feel more pain with Pam near that "suitcase of hers" than anything.
Lucky for me?
Yes, because I have Bigdogg. He knows when I am in that "I'm sick I CAN Manage" versus the "IFYOUDONTDOSOMETHINGABOUTTHESEKIDSWHILEI'MSICKYOUMAYCOMEHOMEANDI'LLBEDEAD"
He knows without me having to say anything. He can see it in my eyes. The glassy look in the blue eyes. When I do get sick, when I'm in that unmanaging mode, my eyes turn duller-the blue stripped of its color, I see more yellow. MEOW, I guess.
He being the helpful husband that he is, could clearly see that I am worse for wear today then yesterday. So, he will be here to help out with Picture day, barbershop visit, Sulli to school, Jack to school..and dear old Ben.
The only monkeywrench that I can see? Is that I'm not used to him being home and he does smoke. But being that I am still full of fever it shouldn't be that hard.
Moment by moment.
First the first hour.
Than the first day.
Next day 2 and 3.
Here I am on day 3.
Day 3 is hard to get past.
Day 14 is hard to get past.
Moment by moment.
Welcome To Crustybeef~
Me running? I'm in the purple and red sweatshirt, with the long blond hair.
hee-hee. At least that's how Bigdogg says I run-like Phoebe.