Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Sir Nic Just Once

Day by day-screw that!!!-
Moment by moment, that's a better explanation of what I've been managing with.
I'm only managing my moments-nothing beyond that. Hurts too much to do anything else.

That's how it's been since this cold settled into my body joining forces with Pam. I feel like that guy Shia LaBeof must have felt when he stands along the side of his car as it freaks out on him and starts twisting and turning the metal into a monster talking transformation.
So is the cold part of the "Autobots" crew, and Pam "the Decepticons?"

So I'm moving along.
Barely, but moving.
That's how it was yesterday besides unraveling with this virus and not smoking. I have zero patience, the phone rings and I immediately tell myself, "SMOKE BREAK" up in my head.
I then have to remind myself, "No, no smokie for you. Go brush your tongue!"

I only had one moment that I actually had to stop and talk myself out of it. It was when Sir Nic was at his worst yesterday. The kids were fighting-correcting-screaming and yelling at each other. Ben was crying because he was in his playpen and clearly wanted to join in on the Big Brother match fun. I was attempting to cook dinner and things were just unraveling.

My mind said, "yeah, you're owed. You deserve this smoke. Go have one. One is okay. Just one. Look at all the tasks you've completed. You definitely are overdue for a Sir Nic Lung massage-go on..it's okay."

I stood at the cabinet looking at the pack of smokes up in it's place. Thinking to myself, yeah, one won't hurt. It's ONLY one. Only it never is just one. It always starts out that way-just one. But look at me now?

I opened the fridge door, and then standing there, I started tapping on the door. Playing a tune to the song Sir Nic was trying to create up in my head. Reaching for food, I had to then remind myself to not begin replacing Nic's habit with Freddie Food habit.

I couldn't run down to the computer as my initial game plan was to replace the Nic habit with a browse on the Internet habit. Reason? The children were seated at the table now, eating breakfast for supper.

I just had to stand there and out loud say to myself, "get over the hump of the urge. It should only last 5minutes. You've had contractions before, so just breathe Crusty, breathe."

And Breathe I did. The craving past and time moved on.

Moment by Moment is how I'm taking it. I can't have just one either. I can't disappoint myself.
Plus, Sullivan is still doing wonders without his 'blank.' IF a 3 year old can give up his first love, than I can give up a nasty habit. My driving force behind this is the physical being of my Sullivan. I can't smoke now. Not until he begs and pleads or us to pull down his blanket off the wall. He did fine at naptime yesterday without even asking for it. And last night was wonders as well.

He even stayed in his bed all night.
If he can refrain from using his Linus/PigPen mixture of a blanket, than I can refrain from killing my lungs one more day. Moment by moment.

It helps to still be sick. This cold actually is turning out to be a gift. Granted today finds me worse than yesterday. Today finds me still with a horrible fever, the back of my throat raw. Even the hot salt water does nothing now. But the coughing is beginning to surface, the aches are worse today and I feel more pain with Pam near that "suitcase of hers" than anything.

Lucky for me?
Yes, because I have Bigdogg. He knows when I am in that "I'm sick I CAN Manage" versus the "IFYOUDONTDOSOMETHINGABOUTTHESEKIDSWHILEI'MSICKYOUMAYCOMEHOMEANDI'LLBEDEAD"

He knows without me having to say anything. He can see it in my eyes. The glassy look in the blue eyes. When I do get sick, when I'm in that unmanaging mode, my eyes turn duller-the blue stripped of its color, I see more yellow. MEOW, I guess.
He being the helpful husband that he is, could clearly see that I am worse for wear today then yesterday. So, he will be here to help out with Picture day, barbershop visit, Sulli to school, Jack to school..and dear old Ben.

The only monkeywrench that I can see? Is that I'm not used to him being home and he does smoke. But being that I am still full of fever it shouldn't be that hard.

Moment by moment.
First the first hour.
Than the first day.
Next day 2 and 3.
Here I am on day 3.
Day 3 is hard to get past.
Day 14 is hard to get past.
Moment by moment.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
Me running? I'm in the purple and red sweatshirt, with the long blond hair.
hee-hee. At least that's how Bigdogg says I run-like Phoebe.


KYRIE said...

Hope u are feeling better now :)
I know u can do it, u can quit smoking. Say bye bye to Crusty Sir Nic.


You're a doll! Thanks for the well wishes!!
Sir Nic hasn't bothered me that much today!! :)
but the day isn't over..moment by moment.

SOUL: said...

hi crusty.
they have lozenges now. the gum really does hurt the ole teeth. i used it for a couple weeks a while back. it hurt bad after a while- prolly why i ended up smokin again. :((
good luck.

Cheryl said...

I wrote two comments to you yesterday at different times, and when I hit the publish button, I got an error message from Google. I'm going to make this short, just in case it happens again. Are you feeling any better? I really feel for you, wish I could make it better. I was lucky...Emily never got sick and neither do I. I know... I should watch what I say. How's the not smoking going? I remember going to bed early when I was quitting just so I'd have less hours awake and wanting to smoke.

Portia said...

Oh my this stinks. I really hope you feel better soon!! I am quite impressed with your will to quit smoking. You are doing a great job, and soon (hopefully very soon) you'll be feeling a lot better, with your health back in full and without the cigs:)
Not that I would ever give you a hard time for smoking of course. But you have come so far!


Soul: yeah, I'm staying away from the lozen..don't like the way they feel in my throat..ewww...so far so good.. :) ANd I PROMISE I won't become one of those reformed smokers that turn my nose up at others.tee-hee...how's the weather down there? Did it settle down? What a band of storms you had the other day!!

cheryl: thank you for that wonderful suggestion..Last night even though I'm still under the weather, I had the craving come about-after I read your comment..so, I did the only thing I could think of,..went up stairs, took a hot steamy vapor shower, brushed my tongue (and teeth) and went to bed to pass the time. :) so far so good. I'm sure part of the chest ache is from my lungs cleaning themselves out...you never got sick? So, what did you do? I think I have to move to your state than! :) hahah

Portia: My will has come from my 3year old..amazing the will power that can be earned by watching your little one teach you! :) so far so good...


SOUL: said...

well ya, i hope you dont get all snow globy about the smoking...but really , for you and your family, it would be greeat if you could stay quit. we are all pullin for ya- even us damned ole smokers. :))

and the weather? it;s mental. sunny, nice, rainy, hot, cool. it's gonna start makin people sick here too. yep it's that time of year.

feel bettah me crustay sis

austere said...

What guts.

Ok. Motivated by this, I'm going to begin my 45 min walk again- had stopped after that fall on my err backside. MUST start.


Soul: I cant be snow globey about my former favorite past time...it's not my place to judge-I know what it feels like to be judged..annoying isn't it?

Austie: awwwwwwwww!!!! I hope your back is okay..Take it slow!! be careful and don't hurt yourself..You've had quite a bit of exercise this week with the move, and last week with the tears mourned of the one that has moved on. Take it slow, little lady! :)
Guts? I wish...more like crabbiness. :)