Today my dear Jackson, you are turning 6. As of 4:28pm, you will officially be that age.
6 years ago today about this time, 2:33am, I had yet to have the epidural and I was tired. Bigdogg was tired,My mom and sister were tired, and you were tired. We all were tired as we waited in the room for you to be welcomed into this world.
You started making your presence known around 3:00pm that afternoon on Tuesday. After a delicious craving of Lou Malanti's pizza was satisfied, I felt so sick to my stomach. 'Don't tell me I have the flu!' I thought to myself. I wanted the pizza so bad, but all I managed to eat were two slices, if that. 'Must be the french toast from IHOP from earlier today,' I said in my head. But that twisting and turning and belly cramps only increased over time. Soon the pain was more consistant and coming closer together. I walked. I did Moon up in my bed(not to be deemed as a sexual thing), hoping to relieve the pain. I took shower after shower. I paced and paced. Poor Bigdogg, he was so nervous. All he wanted to do was get to the hospital. I was more anxious to keep the pain down, and to avoid the hospital until the "last minute," but eventually your reminders that you wanted out came closer and closer.
We made the 3minute drive to the hospital that you were born in, St. Alexius Hospital in Hoffman Estates, around 11pm Tuesday evening.
The pain didn't.
The pain increased.
Around 2:30 or 3:00am (times are a bit blurry) I asked for the epidural. 'Surely I must be at least 6cm,' I thought. I was wrong, the nurse did her checking and I was still at around 3-4.
'WHAT? Only 4? Oh gosh, why is it moving so slow?'
Having the epidural meant no more walking the hallways, no more stopping by the nursery to look at the other babies in hopes that it would stimulate mine and maybe just maybe I'd have a loop, swoop and pull quick labor.
The epidural given, I was able to "rest" for awhile.
I talked on the phone to My forever and ever 'LYLA' Sister.
I held My first Curious George and captured some memories with a disposable camera.
I talked on the phone.
I put on some make up.
I talked on the phone to my two most closest friends in the world.
They were busy making plans to call in sick the next day to come sit with me at the hospital.
At around 6am, they "manually" broke my water with the biggest knitting needle you'd ever seen in your life.
Nope. Still nothing.
With the exception of when the water was broke, it was made obvious that you had already become a man and had your very first "real" poop. Only to us it was something to be concerned about. You must have had performance jitters, and the result of what work you had cut out for you, you decided to poop in utero. You scared all of us, Bigdogg, the nurses, my Doc, the pediatrician, my mom and sister (They too were in the room with Bigdogg and I). They told me they'd have to call the neo-natalogist, or was it the president? I can't recall the name they used at the time, as I was still amazed at that knitting needle and all that warm water around me with your lovely doodie to add to the shiny mixture. All I remember is that I started to get nervous.
They were acting nervous, so I thought I should worry too. I know why they were concerned, and it concerned me, but I also felt a sense of, "it will be okay," wash over me regardless of all their hurrying around.
Then, around 7:00am they started the medicine to induce me. You were just taking too much of their time, and if we had continued at the rate we were going, I think you would have caused them to have to cancel their weekend holiday shopping plans.
Eventually around 12:00pm that day, I was finally given the okay to PUSH.
TO HEAVE AND TO HOE!
My two closest friends out in the waiting room.
Bigdogg's Best Friend sitting out there as well.
By that time my dad had been up and made the drive up north to be with us as well.
When the pushing started the only thing I could focus on was my dad.
He somehow at a point became my sturdy rock.
He wasn't allowed to leave to even make a business call.
I needed to have him on my right side,
Bigdogg on my left.
My mom next to my dad.
My Sister mouth wide, amazed at what the term, "crowning," means.
The nurse telling me to feel "down there" to feel all that hair.
"Pardon me? Why did I spend all that money on wax?"
"To feel the babies head of hair," she said.
You had a full head of hair.
Lots of it too.
But still, you wouldn't bulge.
It was than that they realized you were "stuck." Not just "stuck stuck, but STUCK!"
They tried manipulating you to turn you, as you were head down, buy laying on your side, shoulder up.
Funny, that's still how you sleep, same way that you were "stuck up in my baby home."
They turned you eventually-OUCH! and than you moved again.
They turned you again, and the pushing continued.
For over 31/2 hours I pushed at 10cm without the medicine as it had long since worn off.
I begged for something to take the edge off.
Some said, "But you're so close!"
I yelled back, "It's my body, if I want something, than give it to me."
The doctors were busy discussing my case like I was a portfolio sitting open at a conference meeting. You just wouldn't move. You were apparently stuck by my "bones." And at one point I swear I heard them talking about how they might need to break a bone to aid in getting you out.
That's when the beeps started.
Heart rates changed.
Suddenly the rush to get you out became much more urgent, but because of my narrow road, they needed to get you out another way-Csection.
"Who do you want to come with you in the room? Sign here."
They're asking me to make a decision when I'm in a lot of pain, when I'm worried, when I know I have to endure surgery after all that labor, after feeling your head, feeling just how "close" you were to being in my arms, I scribbled my name and uttered your dad's name and told the nurse, I want Bigdogg in the room.
I kissed my sister and parents goodbye, and they wheeled me down to surgery.
Everything was a blur.
The feeling that I was going to fall off the surgical table. The issue that my epidural hadn't taken, so they propped me back up after having stuck a needle in me not once, but twice, and now a third time, having to administer a spinal, before the procedure to make me a mom, started.
The smells of things burning.
The sounds of it all.
The sounds of suctions and beeping.
I was busy talking food with the doctors.
I think I might have told one doctor that he had really pretty blue eyes, at some point in all of this.
The tugging and pulling, like two dogs pulling on a tied up sock, and the sock being stretched and swaying from side to side.
Then they lifted you up and there you were.
Shiny and pink, wrinkled face and eyes open!
You had the most obnoxious black hair ever.
It rather complimented your nice Dan The Conehead Ackroyd.
You cried right away.
I cried as did Dad.
All I wanted from the moment you were pulled out of me, was to hold you.
My heart swelled with such incredible love, I can't even express how it made me feel.
This just intense heartache good love that was so immediate, I'd never experienced that before.
To love something that much before it even so much as uttered it's first cry.
To hold you and to never ever put you down.
A quick vow to always do everything I can in my power to be the best mom ever to you.
Is that perhaps another reason to celebrate birthdays? So that parents can have those reminders of reflections from the time they first saw their child?
The birth of you caused everything else to be numb, to not hurt. I had my focus and it was you.
My first child.
My first son.
Give him to me.
"When can I hold him?"
"How long until I'm out of recovery?"
"How long until I'm done here, guys?"
"Is he okay?"
"Does he have all his fingers and toes?"
"Please stay with him, Bigdogg, don't leave him for a moment."
We named you Jackson Bradley.
You weighed over 7lbs, and were quite the inch worm coming in at 21.5 inches long.
As long as that day seemed at the present, everything since then, including those hours of labor, looking back, have just gone by so fast.
You are 6 today!
You are 6!
You will have a fantastic day! And as soon as I am home, we will have a glorious birthday celebration!
Yes, it's now 3;10 in the morning. I can't sleep. No, I am not nervous for surgery, which we were able to have bumped up clear to the first surgery of the morning. 7:30am. (THANK YOU COUSIN AND AUNT!!) Which means I need to be there by quarter of 6 am today. No reason to be nervous, I have no control over what can happen, so you go in positive and things are fine.
I can't sleep, just like I couldn't 6years ago, and not because of the surgery today, but I just am so excited for your birthday-I think maybe just as much as you are. Is it out of guilt due to not being here when you wake to say, "Happy Birthday, I LOVE You, lovie!!" That could be.
But now I've decorated your room, your birthday chair, and some hallways.
You'll wake to balloons, and streamers and presents sitting out to torment you.
You'll wake to having the traditional whatever you want on the special birthday plate.
You'll have phone calls all day.
You'll have your Gramma to play with you too!
You'll leave for school and go to on a field trip-a children's museum that is absolutely the coolest museum I've ever stumbled upon.
You'll have your favorite meal for supper.
Your presents will follow.
Then we'll sing Happy Birthday to you, and blow out your 6 candles from the requested yellow whipped frosting cupcakes that are sprinkled with colors waiting for you.
You'll have a fine fine birthday. I cannot wait to watch you grow. I just can't believe how fast it's gone. I really really can't believe it.
And throughout this fine peaceful morning, I've been able to watch you sleep, as I did for so many days after I was finally brought into my mother baby room, after I was finally able to hold you, to put you up to my breast to begin that rather HOLY CRAP, MORE PAIN?, journey. I was finally able to have you lay on my chest, and watch you sleep.
And today my dear lovie, I was able to see you sleeping again.
I know how excited you are.
I know when I tucked you in bed last night you couldn't sleep, you said. You said you were so excited.
I love that about you.
Your passion reminds me how much fun it is to be a child.
Welcome To Crustybeef~
I will be out of it for most of the day, if I have the energy I will post a quick "HEY, I am okay!" I delivered my cyst and my tubes have been cut, but I am okay!" If not, I may have Bigdogg step in and chat a bit with you, until I am back on my feet. I'll do my best to lurk, once things have settled over here.
Thank you to my Darling aunt that's more like my big sister, and a great great friend, for keeping me calm during those long 9months of pregnancy. Your calls and support helped so much. You never judged once during that ordeal. Thank you for that.
My two best friends, thank you for coming to the hospital that day, and waiting as long as you did, and for all the help and the nursery preparations, and the ovenight sleeps to help me..I love all of you guys!
Thank you to my baby sister and best friend as well, for being with us on that special day that Jackson was born-I know she's most likely scarred from seeing me "like that," but she's the sweetest sister there is-next to my other best friend Lyla sister! I love you both!
And to my mom and dad, thank you for all that you did that day-as well as for all you did during the months leading up to his birth. We are forever grateful to have had you so involved with my pregnancy! The birth of your second granchild-another boy!
Thank You Bigdogg for being so strong that day, for being you. I love you too! I couldn't have done any of it without you!
Happy Birthday Dear Jackson.
I love you so so much!
'''swiping the tears as they're rolling down my eyes.''' Too bad this wasn't paper.....