Sunday, November 11, 2007

REST ROOM Anyone?

I will be posting the pictures from the visit to Chicago yesterday, later on.

For now I am off to prepare myself to attend a service at my toddler/childhood/teenage/adulthoodonoccasion/withchildrenmoreconsistantly now, church.

Yesterday was a great day. We had many laughs. I captured many pictures. One especially for one of my friends/readers on here. Lets see if you guys can guess who the picture was for,
later,...
when I post it,...
after the commercial break.
(okay, I think I just pulled a Ryan Seacrest, didn't I?)

In the meantime, I had received this cute little blurb about bathrooms (that I have added somethings to it)from one of my many beloved aunts that I love. Would you believe it, yesterday, I had the same issues while holding onto my American Doll Store red bag, my purse, my SBUX coffee, and I had some crazy belly ache.....

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! (-either that or poop in your pants after Sbux and walking, and McDonald's, and a trolley ride!!)
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someones Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Grandma would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time.) (and if you're a nose picker you're now completely screwed!)

That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. (But it's either that or trying to disassemble the toilet paper dispenser to use the cardboard roll as an acting "wipe."-I wouldn't recommend this approach especially if you're on gov't property)

Meanwhile, someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. (Yeap, so true!!It does run down your leg, it isn't comfortable, and they talk about us wasting water?? They need to lower the pressure of the flushing stream already!!)

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms.
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs....

It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the stall!

You got that right!!

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I'm out like a light!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey, it's Veterans Day! Y'all remember to post the colors and thank a veteran for his service. And for the guys who didn't come back, reserve a little spot in your heart.

UD

abbagirl74 said...

Good morning! You have been tagged!

Cheryl said...

I am so going to link to this post. I had to get a tissue to wipe the tears from my eyes. I was LOL! This deserves a 'perfect post' award!

austere said...

BRILLIANT!
haven't laughed so much in ages. And I thought I was the only one who'd perfected the semi-squat.

Publish this!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

anonUD: My flags are flying outside! Remembering those and thanking the many veterans-too too many, I must say!


abbagirl: Why, thank you! I'll be over later to retrieve the tag!! thanks again!

Cheryl: you are so sweet!! I thank my Aunt! How true and men gripe about it all the time!

austie: No matter where us ladies are from we all have the similiar squat stance hold the breath and pray that noneofthe post issues listed above happens to us-again! :)

Always,
Crusty~

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Good post, and as a Chicagoan, I LOVE the Sandberg quote.

KYRIE said...

LOL!!
Good post.

tex said...

Way too much info....
My image of you is forever scarred, crusty.....

Andrew said...

Oh MY GaWD! I was laughing so hard. Women have it rough when it comes to potty time. Guys just whip it out and pee. I am still smiling. Thank you for this little joy. You need to make this a sticky post! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Andrew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CRUSTYBEEF said...

Dr Ken: I will always and forever love the cubs having been born in chicago, and gty'd to die in chicago...:)what can I say, I'm loyal.

kyrie: Ha, I wonder how many of us have that stance, like Austie said up above!! :)

tex: as if your image of me wasn't scarred from childhood.

andrew: now THAT would have been useful a post it note works well as a wipe-of all times not have my my diaper bag. :)




Now all you guys understand why we go in packs to the potty..no more complaints about the length of time :)

Always,
Crusty

CRUSTYBEEF said...

P.S. UD, I have prayed for those that didn't return, as well as sent emails to those that I know served at one point-lucky to make it back!! They deserve great credit and support having dedicated so much, so very very much.
Always,
Crusty~

Anonymous said...

OMG I feel so bad for you. That is so funny and men have no idea how hard women have it....well i can totally see this happening to you and i am sorry for laughing....you are to much
BDD

Portia said...

heehee, how true! good one:)