Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Ultra Panic

She wasn't nervous-at the time prior to the test that is-after all what's to be nervous about, it's just a test. She turned towards her husband as he sat near her waiting, "I'm not nervous," she said, "it's just a ten minute test, but I'm glad you came with me, makes me feel much better up here inside my head," as she points to her noggin.

She said she wasn't nervous and readers, you have to believe me when I say, I really really didn't feel that she was anxious at all, in her head.

She wasn't nervous whatsoever, until she was laying on that firm pad of a bed on top of a sterilized white sheet covering the black padding. She wasn't nervous when the lady dressed in blue came to get her from the diagnostic waiting room, nor was she nervous when they made their way down the silent hall, every door labeled with what's inside, either opened or closed, all smelling of hope, sadness, willing and gladness. She wasn't nervous as they headed towards her room, a room filled with multiple hummings like you'd hear in a computer server room, the blinds closed with a film, sort of like a plastic covering over the windows. The lights a dim almost translucent green, in order for the lady in blue to do what she needed to do. She wasn't nervous when the lady in blue initiated chatter about 'name, date of birth, and allergies', the usual requirements.

Readers, as you read already, as I am not one to keep you on your toes nor speak in order, she did get nervous, yes she did. She allowed her mind to merge with her unwanted nerves and it came very close to impacting her heart, pulse, pores and overall everything she carried in a physical manner.

Her nerves became obvious (to her) after the warm jelly was placed on her skin and onto the probe, necessary for the test she was taking. Even though she was fully clothed, and there wasn't any required fasting this time, nor was there any pretest preparations of filling the bladder, she got nervous and wasn't happy about it, not one single moment of the proposed and necessary ten minute test.

The white towels were tucked up underneath her shirt collar, the probe placed near her Adam's apple to start, her head towards the screen, that's when the panic started. Perhaps because she saw her pulse racing through her jugular vein superimposed on the medical screen, I really don't know what it was for certain that started the war on panic, but something triggered it and I think that viewing her pulse might have had something to do with it.

She tried to look the other way on the wall across from her padded bed, to look at the pictures of 3D images of babies around 20+ weeks inside mommies bellies, but it didn't help, the panic grew worse up in her head. She started to feel her heart start to race the more she pictured the image on the screen, the more she pictured what she had thought she'd seen. Her eyes started to feel funny, her never sweating glands began to mix up their magic deep down in her pores, she was at the point in her head where she thought she would faint to the floor.

Yes, readers, I know, she was laying down, but according to how she explained it, she still felt faint laying flat on her back, the probe pushing into her neck region. She didn't know what she was going to do. She knew that she couldn't get up and race out of the room, this test was necessary for step one and in order for her to reach step two, this had to be completed, still it didn't help her. She felt the walls moving in on her, getting closer to her body laying on that padded bed, and even with her eyes closed she still felt the presence of fear crawling closer to her head.

The hums of the machines, the pushing in different areas, the click clicking of the keyboard as the lady in blue measured length, width and blood flow with her 'dildo like' probe, measuring beyond the "just a ten minute test time frame" which only made the anxiety grow contagiously throughout her body.

She's laying there on the bed and this is what's going through her head, "oh no, if I don't settle myself down, I'm going to faint, I really really believe I'm going to faint, my chest hurts with that sort of non-nerves of steel fearful feeling, and if I faint I'll probably fall off this bed, therefore surprisingly the lady in blue so much that she issues a CODE BLUE, which will result in my support that is out waiting for me in the diagnostic waiting room to grow very concerned as he is fully aware of what area I'm in. He'll know that I'm involved in the Code calling and that'll make him so nervous too, oh no, oh no, this is ridiculous, why am I so nervous now? It's just a damn test. A test that the lady in blue can't give me results, even though she's asked a bizarre question and that's making me more nervous too. Oh just give me something, I know, I'm going to pray, I'm going to pray and I'm going to do it now."

Readers, even though her eyes were already closed as she was running through all those very mental and physical symptoms of fear in her head, she closed her eyes further. She closed her eyes deeper in a way that only He knows what it's for. She closed her eyes towards him and began to speak these words: "GOD, I know you and I haven't spoken much lately, in fact probably for awhile under the guidelines of yours and mine's terms and conditions, and I know this isn't probably the best time, and I am sorry that I'm bugging you now, but you can clearly see that I am freaking out here, and all that I ask of you is to give me something, anything, whatever it is that you want, please place in my mind and I will embrace it at 100%, just please give me something that'll help settle my blooming panic attack. Oh by the way, I watched Evan Almighty the other day, and then oddly a few days afterwards I get an email about a real life Noah, very cool! Can you please help me?"

He did help her, in the way that he saw fit. What he placed into her mind was because, well, he knows her, better then anyone else around.

Suddenly her mind is filled with music, a song, one song for that matter. She suddenly isn't in the room, He did what she prayed, he took her mind off of the fear so much that she forgot that she was there. She was into a song and it had taken her there-away from the probe, the fear, and the panic. She wasn't aware that she wasn't aware, if that makes any sense to you, until the lady in blue kindly asked her to please stop moving her fingers and toes.

Readers, God had done such a good job of telling her not to worry, that she was actually able to forget were she was, as her mother in law explained it, she managed to mediate herself right out of there. She wasn't aware that she was in the room until the tech asked her to please hold still. The words of the tech pulling her straight back to the room, and then poof, there she was, back looking at the screen laying on the padded bed for the now 20minute test time frame.

He gave to her what she asked, something, anything to take her mind off of the panic, and it's obvious to us all that is was music, that it was a song, and when asked she'll tell you how the song goes, "Don't worry, bout a thing,..cause every little things gonna be alright, don't worry bout a thing.." Bob Marley. He gave her Bob Marley and it was such a great gift because she was actually dancing. Her hands were drumming along on her belly, her feet and toes were rocking back and forth as if she were on a beach laying on the sand, her toes pointing towards the surf as the Caribbean waters rolled up to the shore dancing along with the beat of the music that you will find when on a vacation near the sea.

Now if only He could give her patience, she's not a big fan of waiting and that's what phase she's in.
But for right now, she's not nervous. Because every little thing's gonna be alright.
Don't worry.


Susan's Snippets said...

CB - that is an incredible tale about our awesome God. Yes, everything is going to be alright.

hold tight


Susan: She is. :)

Kstro said...

Cousin :( What happened?? Fill me in!


Kate: we'll chat offline--:) I love when you call me that, COUSIN makes me all warm and fuzzy. :) Are you guys going on saturday? I plan to--;0)XO

happyone said...

I found your post very moving. What a great writer you are.
God is awesome!!

btw - I love Bob Marley's music!!

superjanel said...

crusty, that was amazing. i got goosebumps reading that. :) and that's one of my all-time favorite songs, too.


Happy: (((BLUSHING!)))) he is awesome and I have been neglecting him lately--bad CRUSTY BAD BAD! :0)
Thank you.



SUPERWALMART: Aww, you're just saying that cuz you're hormonal-j/k..thanks very much! Bob Marley works wonders for mindsets. :) Hope you didn't puke today--YUCK! Soon hopefully that part will be past..


The Window Watcher said...

I know what ya mean in the neglect.....Been that way myself...let's hope all goes well.
It's amazing how well things work if we "let him in instead of building the Wall...."

Cheryl said...

I know every bit of that fear. Your description was right on. Seeing things and making a judgement...usually for the worst. Really feeling that the news will be bad. Every time, for me, much to my surprise, it's been good news. That's what I wish for you.

austere said...


Loved the self- talk, btw.

And every thing is going to be all right.

Gypsy said...

Ok now I am officially panicking though I'm trying not to because if you say everything is going to be alright then I want to believe you. Keep us informed won't you?

Anonymous said...

I'm saying lots of prayers for you, and I truly believe everything will be alright. If you need ANYTHING you know I am here for you - no matter what!
Love you.

fiwa said...

Why do we do that to ourselves? So smart to turn to the right place for help.


Kelly Jene said...

God was waiting for you to call out to Him. When you did, He got so excited! He was more then pleased to help you with your request. His peace He gave to you. His love is with you always.

My dearest, dearest friend. I'm going to be praying. You know my email if you need me. I love you more then waterfalls in autumn.

Every little thing is gonna be alright.... He is in control... no matter what.

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

Praying for a calm waiting period - and waiting on Him.

Martha said...

So glad that "she" heard God and felt Him in that moment. Brings new meaning to that phrase that "He works in mysterious ways."