Tuesday, February 24, 2009

WHY WAS SILVERWARE IN YOUR CHINA?

Close your eyes.
Picture yourself watching a TV show about parenting.
About Motherhood.
Picture the episode that you're watching is opening up to a mom lugging her two children out of her minivan and reminding them both to behave inside the building they are about to walk into, or they'll both lose quarters from their shot glasses when they get home.

Okay, you have the picture?
Let's go into the story......

Mom walks in with her two sons, one in a stroller, the other busy playing his DS and not paying any attention to where he was going even though Mom already said to him, "Sully, you better pay attention to where you're going."
BAM! He walks smack into the glass door that divides the chilly hidden Wintring (half Winter half Spring) weather to the welcoming warmth of a softly lit Starbucks is available office.

Mom pushing the umbrella stroller that her toddler son has ganked up so bad, the rubber strap that rests underneath the seat, but is NOT meant as a foot rest, is torn off. The green out of place scrap annoyingly dragging along the chocolate brown hardwood floor, that welcomes your salt ridden, slush covered rocket dog shoes, as you walk inside the very clean and nicely done room.

Mom has a big red beach bag that she converted into a diaper bag over one shoulder, and her tiny ass red square purse gripped in her hand that, at the same time, is trying to steer the stroller that is ganked up. Steering it thru the glass door that her son has already walked into because he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. Because he's playing the thing that his mom did not want him to have because she felt that he was just too young to have such a toy. However, since Mom's in laws are very much into playing equal, they sent him one anyways. (Son #1 was getting one from Mom's in laws-another story-another day).

The three of them are greeted with a walnut colored front reception area that looks as soft as a tulip's petal, and beyond the desk is a huge chocolate colored ottoman coffee table centered in the middle of the waiting area. On the west wall sat four white eclectic comfy chairs, the south wall, a large, (curl up with a book and those dreadful snuggies) settee in white, and on the east wall, 6 red plush nicely bum padded chairs with the same walnut petal soft coloring on the arm rests. The walls are painted the color of a spa you'd never want to leave.

Soft music playing softly in the background shares the space with scents of freshly brewed coffee and hidden hints of what appears to smell like baby powder, cinnamon and chocolate. Nothing too overwhelming, but rather very comforting, as if you were a child sitting at your kitchen table using mom's best coffee cup (with her permission), sipping a warm cup of hot coco and about 15 mini marshmallows.

The track lighting overhead shaped like upside down plump bud vases in colors of red, soft orange, and chocolate with hues of speckled yellow and white. A trendy colorful over sized fluffy floor rug rests along the chocolate hardwood floors in a zen like fashion that makes the seating area come together just perfectly.

A place that any Mom would LOVE to walk into, so long as it wasn't this type of place, and so long as she didn't have children with her.



The zen atmosphere is soon invaded with what could only be one thing;
Mom and her sons are seated in the waiting area, when her littlest lets out a nice juicy post constipation fart that could bring a blush to even a Vampire's face.

Again, you're in a place where any woman would love to be in, so long as it wasn't this place, and so long as you didn't have your children with you.

Yes, the Gyne's office.

Your Gynes office that sees only patients that aren't pregnant. Menopausal, Virgins, Paps and Cysts, you name it, they see it, all of it but pregnancies, so aside from the receptionist's swollen belly you won't see any pregnant women lounging in this comfortable office.

Not much longer, Mom's name is called, and the three of them plus the nurse, walk through a maple colored door with a shiny platinum colored handle that divides the waiting area to the maze of a long hallway decorated in a very spacious way with delicate walnut framed pieces of art, towards the back of the building. The area still smells like fresh spa paint as the office is fairly new, as they approach the numerous examination rooms.


Mom's little one still in the stroller but starting to treat it as if he's in a wheelchair racing down the basketball court, fighting with his mom silently to control the gank stroller. Her door smasher still nose deep into the DS game. Yet the mom decides to pick her battles with the video game system and allows him to keep playing it, even though she had told him earlier to watch where he was going. After all, her son was minding himself, why push it.

(ENTER EXAMINATION ROOM)
ONE BLUE CHAIR.
ONE DOCTORS STOOL.

ONE ULTRASOUND MACHINE.
ONE EXAMINATION BED.
FOUR DRAWERS UNDERNEATH THE EXAMINATION BED that pull out.
The only ideal space for the stroller is, naturally, right near those stroller level drawers.

Mom sits on the exam table. Son #2 sits on the only chair. Son #3 stays locked in his stroller and begins his quest of discovery as he begins to rummage through the red beach bag converted diaper bag for "stuff." He doesn't go for the books, or the Real Winnie the Pooh Puppet (ANOTHER STORY ANOTHER DAY), nor does he go for the trucks and cars, rather he pulls out Mom's key's. Fine. He's happy. Son #2 so far into Star Wars Complete Saga that even his crusty boogers nose deep are asking him to take a breather.

No matter. The nurse assistant begins her consult and then the usual BP and pulse when suddenly the mom hears an alarm. Very faint, but she has supersonic hearing in addition to eyes in the back of her head. She asks the Nurse if the nurse hears anything. The nurse says No. Mom strains her ear to the door, the nurse mentions that Mom's blood pressure is slightly high, when Mom suddenly matches the faint alarm sound to the bottoms up feeling she has in the deepest part of her belly.

A car alarm.
Math question now:
One toddler.
One set of keys.
faint car alarm.

What are the odds that it's her car? Impossible, they're at the complete opposite part of where the parking lot is. Yet, the supersonic Mom knows. She feels it just like she will someday when her son comes home carrying a lie on his breath.

She looks at the nurse with a sudden "uh-oh," and darts out the door without even asking the nurse if she could stay in the room and watch the kids. At least she was smart enough to grab her car keys and thankful that she wasn't in the "everything off below your waist" garment drape.

Mom rushes towards the front of the building, down another long hallway near the front desk and with each fast paced step, the sound of what is now obviously a car alarm becomes louder and higher pitched. Worse then the sound of a male cat having his tenders removed without a local.

Mom rushes outside and yes, it is her van. Not only did her toddler some how manage to hit the panic alarm, but he also opened up the back hatch, and the two sliding minivan doors. People peeking their heads outside the Jiffy Lube 10minute oil change building, situated next to the Gyne office wearing the gawkers look you see on so many faces when they drive slowly.past.a.car.accident.scene.

After Mom returns to the office, Panic alarm shut off, doors closed, car locked up and keys put where her toddler can't get to them, all opens up to sunshine.
The nurse finishes up. Son #2 still playing his DS but has switched games. Son #3 happily playing puppet show with Mom, now in her "everything from the waist down" garment attire waiting for doctor to come in.

The gentle Gyne walks into the office, always so soft on his feet. He's not heavy on his feet. He doesn't slam drawers, bang down the faucet handle, yank out the doctor gloves, instead he just seems to glide with things. The exam process begins after a few minutes of chatting with him placing the heated stirrup covers over the stirrups, he turns on the Vaginal Ultrasound machine gently so that it may warm up and he asks Mom to scoot down a bit more.

The exam starts.

Somewhere between the "physical internal part and the Vaginal ultrasound wand, Mom's Son #2 suddenly decides now is the time to give up on video gaming, looks up and, in what seemed like one tiny sentence later on, but at the time, because of how fast his eyes processed the scene across the room, rather one big lump of a run on sentence, says, in a very frustrated annoyed tone, "Mom, you know how when I wake up and my penis is sticking up, well it's not morning anymore and it's sticking up, can I hold it to make it go back down even though I'm not in private?"

You'd think that would have been the end of it, but noooo his eyes suddenly opened up the show across the room and his mind did the only thing, the normal thing it should have done, the mind give his mouth words.

Without a pause, without a breath, Son #2 spoke yet again, only this time in a tone that you would hear from a child that just busted the family dog taking a crap on the family room floor, "MOM, He's looking up into your CHINA!" "WHY HE IS LOOKING UP IN YOUR CHINA?" "WHY IS HE PUTTING A MAGIC WAND UP IN YOUR CHINA?" "TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED WHEN MY BRUDDER GOT SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS NOSE!" "WHAT IF YOU PEE ON HIM!" "IS YOUR POOP STUCK LIKE MY BRUDDERS WAS?" "IS HE GONNA GET IT OUT?" "DID YOU GET SOMETHING STUCK IN YOUR CHINA?" "WHY WAS SILVERWARE IN YOUR CHINA?"

I don't know about you, but if I were to receive a survey from this office, (mind you, aside from when I've been pregnant, and not living in the state of Illinois, I have been going to this Doctor (thankfully) since I was beyond the age of 17, not yet 18), I would suggest that they have a room on site that you can leave your children during the exam. A room that is exclusively for children while Mom is having her Paps Smeared. A room that one of the front desk admins happily supervises when, a mom arrives with young children. You can't blame the mom you know, not everyone can find someone to watch their children during the day when it's time for a Gyne check up.

Besides, maybe, just maybe, the place that a Mom had dubbed, "A place that any Mom would LOVE to walk into, so long as it wasn't this type of place, and so long as she didn't have children with her," might no longer be viewed as such. Instead, it would be a place that although not necessarily pleasant, but at least she wouldn't have her kids with her. As well as lots of explaining to do later on.

Suffice to say, Sully added 2 quarters to his X marks the spot shot glass when we returned home. Because of how well he behaved in the office today.

Sometimes I truly believe you could make parts of my life into a sitcom. Especially when it's based on my children.

Oh well. The good news is that Ben is fever free, and is no longer stopped up.
Life is Good in Chinatown.
Now, it's time to prepare for the once again, very late arrival of dear darling Pam.

18 comments:

Kathy said...

Oh dear God in Heaven!!! I will never, ever forget this. Ever...

happyone said...

Oh my goodness, that is so funny. That could only happen to you!! :-)

austere said...

Crusty!
I protest! Still trying to get my breath back...ohmyGOD hilarious.

I shall never look at China in the same way. Not bone china, not the country. Never.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Kathy-I don't think I will either. Nor will I let Sullivan forget it--especially during his rehearsal dinner speech with Dad. :) LOL

Good times.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Happy ONe: HA! I owe all my comic relief to Sully. There is something about his personality that just brings out the most interesting situations. Maybe it's the middle child thing, or the fact that he's a leftie, or that he is just something else, but the look on my Gyne's face was nothing like I've ever seen. If he had a problem remembering who I am, he never will forget my face again.

So long as I bring my Last comic Standing. :)

CRUSTYBEEF said...

My dear friend Austie; Again I have to first thank you for the amazing cards...I still can't stop touching the softness of them all!
Onto Sully, I have a feeling that if you're having a bad day, suddenly you'll glimpse upon some lovely dinner sets, or hear about what's going in over there,..
In China..

and your day will be better. :)

If not, feel free to give me a call and we'll have SUlly chat with you. :)
E

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Kathy: Btw, I've told a few of my friends about your VOLVO :)....hahahah

Anonymous said...

lol!!!! it was funny when you told me yesterday on the phone and even more funny after reading about it. He is to funny and lately has had some classic one liners....ahhhh sully...lol..awesome.

anf

Anonymous said...

lol!!!! it was funny when you told me yesterday on the phone and even more funny after reading about it. He is to funny and lately has had some classic one liners....ahhhh sully...lol..awesome.

anf

Susan's Snippets said...

CB -

That boy needs to head west to Hollywood or the Vegas Strip to make millions with his comedy routine.

wait till he is a teen

The Window Watcher said...

I am utterly speechless.....and that's REALLY rare.

Cheryl said...

You are such a storyteller. Did you immediately think BLOG? That's what I do when something blogsworthy happens. What Sully said was priceless. Makes me wish I had a boy :)

And yes, my phone is the one that does 'that' and so much more. I just added the level app. Very cool.

Anonymous said...

I was definitely laughing out loud. Ohhh Sully...tell him Joe said he is going to play with him Saturday. (I think he is becoming obsessed with Sully...he asks about him all the time! He also said he wants to go to your house Sat. for the party so he can play with your jungle.) Love you!

Derna

Kstro said...

My brave, brave cousin...you are the amazing one. Taking two boys to the gyne with you :) Girl, next time if you don't call me I'm going to be very upset. No woman should have to go to the gyne accompanied by young children. That is just illegal.
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!
Love you!
Katie

Romany Angel said...

This post made me cry with laughter. You poor love...but gosh it was hilarious. This should be published Crusty for sure.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Ohmygawsh....you crack me UP!

captain corky said...

Wow. Thanks for the laugh and the very big smile.

Proxima Blue said...

Wow, I need a new Gyne office because my is still stuck in the eighties. Besides, I've had two tests sent to their "outside lab" that came back wrong.

And hey, aren't your kids a little young for shot glasses! :)

(I still have my Jack Daniels one that I won at a Carnival when I was 13.)

Take Care!
Prx