Friday, April 24, 2009

Sun Wasted Shorts

Today was 80 degrees.
Today was also the day that I put on shorts.

My lower half rejected these last year TJMax shorts with a huff and puff as the main leader of this show, the waist and thighs, inflated themselves intentionally just to piss off the ass.

The ass not one to allow being one upped and backed into a corner, poof'd up her fannyass self and smiled with the most adorable dimples that you'd ever seen-on cottage cheese.

Naturally the Wasted Stomach always full of herself and constantly stretched thin by the tiresome threesome, refused to have the thighs and ass take full credit for the party out in the Sun. The problem is the belly has a mind of her own, and whereas she isn't too wise, more so like a bowl full of jabbering jelly, she loves to be contrary.

Thinking she was being ever so tricky, (like the time she tricked and freaked out the broad that carries her by intentionally stretching the rose tattoo far beyond the bouquets of reason during her first pregnancy), she decided NOT to allow the shorts to cover her region, and instead, stuck her soft self up over a ledge, like old boobies resting on a table top, and said, "Hey, look, can you see my belly button?" Here, let me pull up the shades on the opaque glowing skin. Jorts,* your denim is not complimentary to my skin tone. Whereas I love the length of these soft cut just above the knee shorts, I just can't allow you to cover up my beautiful skin, so I must lift up the skin like a woman would lift up a skirt to walk through a puddle, and to be fair, I must allow my back to take some of that skin with them. I'll leave some at the base of the bra for her to balance out the brits** that are flat and yet in the same breath looking far from eye candy, (like the candy bar Bit-O-honey,) rather giving off the milky way of bit-O-tiggies."***

Yet as soon as the ring leaders, THE THIGHMASTER and their sideshow
bo(o)bs took a long look down at the razor craved legs, they realized that this broad could give a bald man hair envy and stopped holding their breath long enough to allow the JORTS to pass up along the broad's thighs.

Not to be one upped by the waist and thighs, the ass, just as soon as the group above released their breath to allow the passage of JORTs, got in her last word:

she farted.

(Don't even ask about how the toes feel about all of this)
*JHORTS: Jean shorts
**Brits: Boob tits
***bit-O-tiggies: Big O boobs backwards and mixed up

Want Crusty? You just read Crusty.


austere said...

Ha ha ha.

After reading this, I'll stick to my plain vanilla salwaar kameez. :)

jhorts!brits! The English are going to sue you, crusty!

abbagirl74 said...

hehehehehe..... I love it!

Palm Springs Savant said...

Woo hoo nice weather is here (and there).

btw- how fun Crusty.

Cheryl said...

How do you come up with this stuff?

No walking for me. Need to see the ortho again. I can't even walk around the block. Wahhh.

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

you are truly a creative writer :) and one we can all relate to!

Brad said...

Are boys still alowed over here?

*wink* you be a hot mama and you be knowing it! Love you baby!