SATURDAY APRIL 11th:
Yesterday was Good Friday. With Ben not feeling well we all stayed home. I had a fillet of Fish Ala McDonald's since I hadn't prepared any fish in advance. It was a crazy day for some reason. I think perhaps because I'm still buzzing from our Sedar the other night. Must be all the brisket. I don't know. Maybe because I stopped taking Yaz (see below) the other day, but things got powerful last night for me:
Brian gets home from work and off I go to run some errands (GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!--actually, I made up an excuse for errands just to be able to breathe. Like I do when I say I have to poo, but I really don't. I'll still go and sit on the toilet and get red ring groove around my bowl butt, but nothing plops. I'll sit and read whatever book I'm into, or a magazine, or even the itemized medical bill that arrived in the mail from Ben's March ER visit-just to get time to relax.)
So after my errands last night I'm back home sitting at the kitchen table eating my fish fillet when suddenly I glanced up, noticed the sun had set and then bam. I got the most tortured feeling in my heart. In my head I heard, "It Is Done." It was at that moment that I knew that any uncertainty of faith that I have, was washed away. I sat there looking out my kitchen window at the glow of the recent sun being set and just felt the pain that He felt. That He felt for us. It was agonizing but also so welcoming. I can't tell you how much I needed that powerful moment. I knew it wasn't because of Yaz, or because I am tired, but because yesterday was the day to remember the torture He went through. My heart felt it, my mind heard the words and my eyes released unprepared tears for Him.
No matter what someone may believe, when you have that sort of a moment, it's amazing.
When I was listening to Brian lead us for the Sedar, it was wonderful, and I love the culture and the religious aspect of the Jewish faith. I love the togetherness they have during the most Holiest of Holidays. I wish there was a way I could merge the two faiths into one. (No, Not Jews For Jesus, but thanks for the suggestion.) Then I remember, we HAVE merged them thru the grace of our three sons. We've been blessed with hectic boys that challenge us at every step. We have set backs. We go broke. Something happens that takes our breath away. We break. Ever since last night I have had such a powerful tug in my heart about my faith. It's a peaceful silent and solemn feeling, a feeling of allowing the unknown to be and to believe in what's not known and to be okay with it.
This morning I was chatting via Facebook with one of my friends. Let me tell you, he is an example of inspiration. He has beautiful children, and he had a beautiful wife. In 2006 she was driving home and was hit by a speeding car that ran a red light. She didn't survive the accident. At the time of the accident her husband, my friend, was at a friends home helping him plan the funeral for the friends mother, which was more like family to them, when he got the call. At the time, his youngest wasn't even a year old. In one moment, that was it. His entire life was taken away when Mayra died. Today is one of the special anniversaries that he and Mayra celebrated--10 years when they first met/dated.
Yet he goes on as a father, assuming both roles.
Yet he still aches.
It just made me think harder about how all of it just isn't fair. How crazy life is. How unfair. How unfair that Mary had to lose her Son because people didn't feel comfortable around him, and didn't like what came out of his mouth. As a mother, I admire her strength because I think if I had to observe what she did, I would have broke.
On April 8Th 2006 a newborn baby came home from the hospital with only one of her parents. Her father. The day after she was born, dear Maddy lost her mom to a blood clot. The day after her daddy got to celebrate the birth of their first child, he lost his beloved wife.
Instead of pictures of him standing behind the wheelchair, his hand on her shoulder as she sits in the wheelchair, the infant car seat situated in her lap, it was he that sat in that wheelchair. It was him that walked into their home, with their child without his love. A year has gone by for him and he is another example of inspiration.
Isaac: Keep him in your thoughts when you hug your significant other today.
Matt: see him on April 13th with Maddy on Oprah
Two different people, two different circumstances, yet the comparison is the tragic feeling of a heart breaking.
Losing her Son in the manner that she did.
I have to believe everything happens for a reason, and I can't say how I'd react if I experienced what Matt and Isaac, and anyone else that has suffered such tremendous loss, I know right now though, thinking about how my heart aches for things, I don't know how I'd go on.
My religion says not to abuse this gift that G-d gave us. To appreciate what He did, to have his Son brought home to Him sooner then any parent would ever want. To believe that there is something after this unfair and crazy life. No matter what faith you might follow, you almost have to have some hope that there is something else out there because how else do you survive the cruelty of now?
If your heart isn't lead by a certain religious belief, it doesn't mean these types of people are cold or have no heart. I still believe that they are led by something unknown. Faith that they'll find true love. Faith that they'll be good providers. I'm not supposed to judge after all I'm in an interfaith marriage. The only one that makes the decision on what's right or wrong is a power higher then any of us.
Because you just never know when it will be your turn to experience grief over the loss of your child, your spouse, your parent, your sibling, your relative, your friend.
Well, we did manage to go out this past Saturday night.
First stop was a restaurant called JAlexander's, but after being told there was more then a hour and half wait, we headed towards a new Greek place on Route 38. When we pulled into the parking lot, not only was that spot overflowing, but there wasn't a single seat available in the bar area or restaurant. This goes to show you how far behind we are when it comes to Saturday night Date night.
We headed into our little downtown where we settled on Tapas and a French Martini. After dinner we walked past this new Italian restaurant and heard jazz music playing through the bricks. So, we headed into the establishment and sat at the bar with a frothy delicious Pomegranate martini situated in a funky glass that looked like an upside down dildo. Brian stuck with the beer. After an hour or so of listening to music, chatting and relaxing, we got a call from our neighborhood friends wondering if we were going to come over for a night cap (beer!). We stopped at home first to make sure it was "okay" with mom, and off we walked to our friends house for some drinks and chatter. During the chatter my girlfriend and I decided to play a prank on our other friends that lived down the street, so, we got a hold of a FOR RENT SIGN, wrote their telephone number on it, and stuck it in their front yard.
Brian and I had a very nice time Saturday night even though there wasn't a one hour motel involved in the deal.
What else, what else,..hmmm.
Well, Yaz doesn't work. Ever since Pam arrived back on March 23rd, she hasn't left. (reason number one for no one hour motel.) Her luggage capacity has gone down, but she's still present. So, I phoned my gyne "Dr. Vic" yesterday to ask him what the hell's going on! After a few hours he called me back himself and said to stop taking the pill (did that earlier that day) and to call him on Monday if Pam was still present.
My body is backwards, I swear. I must fart out of my mouth and burp out of my ass and, well,..you know.
I prepared a delicious Passover Sedar Wednesday night. Brian was very impressed, being that I'm not Jewish. I had the brisket carrot and potatoes, the matzah ball soup, potato kugel, Israeli Salad, Passover Rolls (SO DELICIOUS), an asparagus dish and many other necessaries you need for the Sedar.
The kids were really shocked when we let the Ghost of Elijah into our house and somehow, the dining room table started to tremble, and miraculously he drank his wine from the Kiddish cup, . It was a very nice Sedar at sundown and all three of our boys found the hidden Afikomen.
I have some classical Sully comments regarding Passover that I'll mention in a post later on. So funny!
Ben isn't doing so well. He had another slight croup episode the other day, and right now he's sleeping on the couch in the family room. I've put in another call to his doctor and gave him his last dose of oral steroids. Thankfully my close friend had just sent me some homeopathic links regarding kids and croup, and my mom spoke with a friend of hers that owns a carpet cleaning business and he passed along some tips regarding cool mist humidifiers and how to ensure that they are sanitized.
He hasn't "crouped out" again, but today he just doesn't look right. His temperature is still low, about 99.8, but as a mom my mind starts to race, what if something else is going on inside him, and this is just a mask for something more serious. The weather has been so up and down that when I look back at his history that I've logged on his sick cards, I notice that when he's experienced the croup drama, the temperature outside recently had gone from nice to cold to average to nice to cold.
Is this G-ds way of saying, move to someplace warmer?
We could go to Florida, but then they're more prone to Pin worms. (INSIDE JOKE)
I'm in one of those phases where I feel like "it's never good enough." It's nothing to do with me, more so just people that I love having to experience it and it puts me in a foul mood. I need to get this lifted because, after all, today is the day of GOOD FRIDAY. G-d's Son experienced death for us, so I should reflect, and Thank G-d for the gifts he's given to me. Including the knowledge of the Jewish Faith and truly embracing and respecting their beliefs.