Saturday, April 18, 2009

When It's Time To Fix The Pipes

-When someone that doesn't recognize Easter (say, someone that may be Jewish)wishes you a Happy Easter and you reply with, "thanks for Killing Jesus!"-GO FIX YOUR PIPES!

-When you haven't been able to have "normal sex" because of damn ass birth control pills that have rocked your system the opposite of passion-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you give up on the trials that G-d gives you for a reason.- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you decide to start slacking off at work, coming in late and carrying around a bad attitude while picking up nasty habits with another nasty coworker-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you feel inflated and owed for having such a savvy job as the very one that you're slacking off at, when there are many people that would give anything to have your job-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you tell your friends that you will be their attorney for a case regarding money fraud and then you try to persuade your same friend to come to an agreement and split the money that the jagoff kept from you in the first place- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you decide to go back to school and start the process of becoming a nurse, when you go through the essays, the blood draws, the shots, and you arrive for your final test, your drug test and they inform you that the class is full and that you'll have to wait until fall, after you've already lined up your babysitter for the summer and other nonsensities- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you have a clogged bathroom sink upstairs and as you sit relaxing on the crapper releasing your early coffee am dumps in another bathroom, somewhere your 2 year old is filling up and overflowing the very bathroom that has the clogged sink, the bathroom decorated in ducks that fits perfectly with the pond of water all over- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you can't see the other side of things and are too busy freeing yourself from your own problems when really you need to be connecting them with others that you love and their problems- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you know no matter what you say or do to prove a point on how ridiculous someones over reaction may be, when it won't change the other's opinion of the fact that they are done with you-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you start to get all sexual chocolate with your husband and then UP jumps the 30+ pound dog on your bed (OWIE!) and then as soon as she is tossed off your bed, "gingerly," your middle son walks into the room completely cockblocking your sexual chocolate move-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you surprise your husband with a bottle of yummy smelling cologne bought at TJMAX for next.to.nothing. and you get it home and open it up only to see that the nozzle part is missing-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you take your son to a tiny county run zoo, then through the drive thru of the Golden Archs to have that lovely fattened lunch at a close family members house where you'll be able to blow bubbles, jump in an inflatable jumpy, play on the play set and have a good time with your 2nd cousins, and your son tells you at the end of the entire day that he "thinks he didn't have a very good day because he can't talk because he's hungry"-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When your son is given the opportunity to walk/parade on a baseball field pregame ,for an achievement accomplished in school, when he invites his dad, brother and Grandpa, when it's been in the 70's the past few days and tomorrow, the day of the game it will be about 50 with lots of rain-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you are totally into the new technology of TVs and you have the jazzy 50 incher, when you find out that you have to replace the bulb after the TV has only been in your house for 2 years even though it's about a 4 year old TV, when the cost of the bulb varies beyond $100, but you have another TV that was purchased 9 years ago that isn't all high definition, flat screened plasma'd up, the regular tube TV and you haven't had to change it's bulb once.- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you witness your Godson experience his first communion and a family member pulls the same old all about themselves, classical and normal ONE UPPIE about "when they had their first communion"-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When you make a decision to drop your calorie and fat intake and you say you're starting this new venture first thing Sunday yet you gorge ass on all things naughty, you can fully expect some anal leakage- "GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

-When your doctor that you love, your gyne, the one that is in the midst of trying to figure out your pipe issues informs you that he's leaving for a few weeks for missionary work-"GO FIX YOUR PIPES!"

_________________________________
Why the "Go Fix Your Pipes!" phrase?
Because I am, after all, a plumbers daughter.
Also, because
I can.
Say.
Whatever.
I
Want.
Here.
Even.
In.
My.
Sleep.
~Except that's usually mumbling or screaming depending on my stress levels.

15 comments:

Martha said...

Love it! I just got a nice morning chuckle, only because I can relate to a fair amount of your scenarios.

Kstro said...

Sometimes when I'm hungry I don't feel like I'm having a very good day either :) I had a blast the other day. So good to see you and have good conversations with someone who is exactly like me!
Love you,
Katie

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Martha: :) How many of them can you relate to? Lol. How crabby are you this morning because of the weather we're having? My sisters and cousins (Katie!! you are awesome!) call something like today, BMS! BAD MOOD SUNDAY!

E

CRUSTYBEEF said...

KSTRONG: We had a blast, and I've been thinking about what you were saying about Sul...you are right, because yesterday -he.was.the.same.way! Just melancholy, moody, nothing was ever good enough..it's just him. I have to embrace that and accept that--thank you for helping me with that..and thank you for a blast of a time Friday! Jack was very jealous when Sully rubbed the salty day in his face. :) AND!! thank you for your help with the ADN info and what classes I should take in the meantime.. I love you too and am glad that I have someone just.like.you!
(*Two peas in a pod! I smiled and thought of you last night when an ambulance drove down the main street by our house--and thought, "oooh, wonder wheres it going, and I bet if Kate were here, she'd want to drive and chase like I want to do right now!"

luv u too cuz!
E~

happyone said...

I'll remember that line when something bad happens to me and it will make me smile! :-)

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

It sounds like you deserve to scream! No one writes a rant like you! Here's to better plumbing days!

Kristin said...

Bravo! I can relate to quite a few!

Are you trying to become a nurse?

Kathy said...

So much more polite than some other alternatives!

Dear Liza said...

Oh how I KNOW just what you mean on so many of these...

And I just might need my pipes fixed.

Hugs.

austere said...

Love the phrase.
Can I borrow it please?

Only I'd have to give a long explanation after.

Susan's Snippets said...

CB -

Can you NOW understand why some people become alcoholics later in life???

too much strife

ps - Calm is on the horizon...French Market, baked goods, beautiful flowers and handmade baubles...see you on the 9th of May.

be gay

Brad said...

Holy Crap Batman, you have a lot of "stuf" going down! Good thing you come from good hearty stock and can handle this sh*t.

XOXOBC

abbagirl74 said...

You make me chuckle. I needed that before starting my "late day" at work.

Palm Springs Savant said...

You are too much! thanks for the smiles

Anonymous said...

LOL....I love this post and they way you handle all the crap in your life is refreshing....