Saturday, July 14, 2007

Simple Stress

Caution, the following post will be in rambles, runons and whatnots..I'm just going to write based on whatever my brain tells me too..I'm surrendering myself to SIMPLE trains of thoughts..so I hope this isn't too hectic for you:





CAUTION RAMBLINGSRUNONS AND WHATNOTS COMING UP!!::::::::::;;;;








How can the two words Simple and Stress go together? Simple doesn't bring stress-it's supposed to minimize it. If you can tell me by all means tell me. So today we celebrated our son Sullivan's 3rd birthday PARTY day. We were keeping it simple. Just inviting siblings (4), spouses(2) ,partners,(2), Kids (4), GreatBGramma, Mom and dad, Aunt (mom's baby sister) and cousin (1), Cousin (dad's brothers daughter) her spouse, her two children, Cousin (mom's older brothers daughter), her spouse, and her three children, and George (my nephew Victorian Bulldog-my brothers baby).





Simple.





Just cake, coffee and bottled water. Two games-pinata and hot potato (earlier in the day I spelled it potatoe on my birthday party schedule, and my brother in law kindly told me the story of when Dan Quail misspelled that word in during a school visit-HILARIOUS!) was my simple plan for the party.


The schedule SIMPLE was this: 1:30pm guests arrive and coffee is almost finished brewing..


Pinata game first


*distribute plastic bags to children for them to collect their candy.


pass candy to parents.


stay seated on front lawn and form circle.


HOT POTATO


after each child is "eliminated" provide child with Hula hoop that they will take home with them after the party. ($1 store!)


Pass out grand prize to winner (COSTCO Bought Chicago Cubs family baseball story-children's' book)


2nd prize a 100piece Scooby doo puzzle. ($1 store)





Return inside.
Sing the birthday songs


Cut cake provide ice cream upon their request.


Open presents while everyone ate their cake.





People cut out early, to enjoy their own precious saturday late afternoon family time/couples time.





SIMPLE!!





cousin from dad's side cannot attend- her daughter's sick.


cousin from mom's side cannot attend-just had c-section, baby and mom have been home only 1.5weeks!Plus she has two older under the age of 5 little ones!-awwwwwww!


Brother 1 & 2's partners-girlfriends are both working and cannot attend.


SIMPLER!!





1:35 the only people here were my aunt and lil guy cousin. My sis and her 3 and hubby were running about an hour behind due to some wonderful work that my brother in law did for a nearby neighbor who's son, a year old, their only child, has returned home from having chemotherapy being diagnosed with some type of Leukemia (AML I think.)





Couldn't start the games until they arrived-no big thing, I'd just alter the schedule.


Nothing to serve except cake, we were just about to sing the bday song candles lite, when my sis and clan arrived.


Did the cake.


Ate the cake.


Outside for Pinata


Outside for Hot Potato.


Back in for Presents.

Distribute Partybags.

People Leave.





Only, it didn't happen just like that.
Let me explain the inbetweens:


Did the cake.


As Sullivan leaned in to blow out his candles, he leaned up against the side of the COSTCO bought, 48person, Cream cheese frosting, white cake, chocolate mousse filling $15.99 cake. He got pissed. Frosting all over his shirt. He screamed.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!





Ate the cake.


Ben taking that cake and making a mudslide of cream cheese,mashed cake, mouse casserole..reminded me of those masks we women use attempting to turn back the clock. (THEY DON'T WORK by the way..)


Ben needed a wash down.


Jackson crying because he was busted playing outside in the front yard with cousins while cake was being served, and he ran into the side of the street, near the curb. Every one's speaking at once, high pitched urgency:



CRUSTY, He's IN the street," "Jackson's in the street."
"CRUSTY CRUSTY..""




heart rate goes up, I run out to Jackson, yell at him-my nephew's looking at me like, "Geesh, I've NEVER seen this side, I guess mommy was right when I told her I wanted to go live with Aunt Crusty..Mommy said that Aunt Crusty gets mad just like mommy does."





The next thing I did was spank Jackson on his tush. I feel TERRIBLE! I think I overreacted because I felt like everyone was freaking out. Like I was parenting horribly because I didn't see my son go into the street. BAD MOM!
My heart rate
the blood pulsing through my veins
ready to explode. I overreacted.

am so in pain over that right now, words cannot explain. I not only scolded him but I spanked him. He was just beyond the curb of the street, but he does know and he's been told many times, that if something of his rolls into the street, to tell one of us, and maybe we'll let him go and get it. But we have to be watching.





Outside for Pinata:





Ben was cranky, must be the cake combo moving through his delicate tummy.



The Pinata was busted open, and suddenly it was like ants congregating on a mountain top of sugar sprinkles vanilla ice cream.


I distributed their plastic bags, and there was a moment of 3 with mounds and 2 with less. But we all handled it well, instructing the children to have the same amounts.



Return Inside the home for Presents.



Jack whining about having to come inside.

Crying because his thighs hurt from yesterdays physical for upcoming kindergarten. Back TRACK ALERT: yesterday at the ped's office, it was time for his shots, Sulli and he both had "well" check ups. Sullivan not listening to the nurse to wait his turn for the eye test. Not standing still on the scale. Hitting himself because he couldn't get weighed first. Nurse telling me, "Wow, they're going to be competitive with each other later on in life, you have your hands full with that middle one. "
UGH, JUDGING!
Jack crying over the finger prick test.

time.

Nurse instructs me to give Jack a big bear hug and hold him down as he lay on the cold examining white papered gym mat size exam "island." She will hold down his legs. Him before crying, "Mommy, just hide me, mommy just hide me. don't let them do this. lets go home. I'll sleep, I promise I'll sleep. Lets go home hide me hide me.

walking up to him with needles, he's crying, "let me go, stop holding me (remember nurse is holding down his legs) let me go, mommyiloveyoumommyiloveyoumommmmmmyyyILOVEYOU I LOVE YOU!!"

Shots over.
only had 3.



He sits up: Through sobs, "how many band aids did I get?"



I asked him afterwards why he was saying he loved me.

His reply:

"Because I thought I was dying and leaving to go to heaven and I was trying to say goodbye to you. I didn't want to go there though so I kept saying I love you."

I mean, can you TUG at your mom's heart even more?? Tears were rolling down my eyes during the shots, now rolling down again. He is such an amazing boy, which is why It kills me because of what I did today-spanking him. Through his shorts..BUT a spank is a spank.

I suck as a mom today.

I'm ramble writing this my heart feels like it's breaking. I mean, he wasn't feeling hot due to the shots, there was all this stimulation with his all the people around, hanging with his cousins.

Sulli's day, so I'm sure he was a bit peeved over the attention Sulli was receiving.



Sullivan opening up the presents and getting pissed over something, screams and looks at me straight in the eye and says, "NO!"
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!

I suddenly felt like I had all these eyes staring at me.
BAD MOM! It's your fault he's doing this.
I know, I'm imagining it (course I'm waiting for someone to comment that-which is fine, by the way!!)

I took him upstairs, advised him that that type of language is not appropriate. That he would have to remain on his bed for 3 minutes.
The would have to wait for us to open up Ben's presents, before he could finish opening up his gifts.

Hell, I didn't spank him.



I feel like I stick out.
in my family, in my inlaws family, in me, too, sometimes.
Is it the lack of zoli? I don't know.

I feel completely stressed out.



I don't feel the party went smoothly. My mind is throbbing with intense stressful heartbeats, I had to come here and write.

Being 4weeks off the zoli, I've since replaced it with this.
THIS IS MY ZOLI.
THIS IS MY THERAPY.

I started writing this while under the influence of zoli, not anymore. As each sentence is completed as I type word for word from my brain, I feel more at peace.



But why do I feel like I stick out? I shouldn't feel that way.
But I just do. Whether it's right or wrong, that's just how I Feel.
There's no right or wrong in emotions.


My children (the older two) have been acting out so much. Matter of fact ever since we returned from our visit to florida.

thought my birthday combo simple plan was well, simple. But something that was labeled simple, I feel so completely stressed out. I've smoked at least 5 cigarettes since everyone left. (my sis and hubby and 3 children stayed for dinner, as did my brother and his girlfriend (that arrived around 4:15) Which was the time that my first guest left-my aunt and lil guy cousin who's again, Jack's age-older by 3months-taller by 3years! This boy is SO TALL. He will be some athlete someday, I can't wait for that little guy to grow up. He's such a sensitive, aware, tall, smart, guy-course, if you knew his parents, you'd understand why!



I'm just so stressed. My children are regressing, Ben the baby's doing the toddler thing. 2-3feet to mommy "walkietalkies" (he'll walk towards you talking in the babybabble), he leans and grabs for things, pulls him up on, and sometimes almost pulls things down on him.(table cloth on dining room table today with the cake is one example.)

Jackson being whiny, not listening (even before the shot thing yesterday, like I said, ever since we returned home from Florida.)
Sullivan hitting, screaming again, not listening, blatantly mocking us..


unreal.



Thankfully I escaped and walked downtown our little town last night, and met my old growing up next door friend, WINTER..WE met at this place called Muldoons for beers and chatter.

I drank a few ciderharp beers, and walked home 3hours later, with little lighting bugs buzzing inside my head.)
I never go out.
I don't go out and drink.
But it was good to do so for me last night. WINTER and I caught up on stories, talked about my blog. He actually wanted to know why I haven't written about him yet-he's a reader, obviously-
So WINTER? Here you go. Now if you happen to have access in your BFE cabin in the woods here's to spraypaintingwarraidstarwarsgames.



PHEW. See? I told you this is a big ramble of ruckus.



Welcome To Crustybeef~

I'm sure I forgot a few things, but this is what my brain told me to write, and I listened.















9 comments:

captain corky said...

Yeah, but don't you feel better now?

Anonymous said...

Dont be so hard on yourself. The party was great! YOu are a great mother and daughter. People need to appreciate you more. You do so much for everyone else, they take it for granted now. Its a shame...Your boys are beutiful.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Thanks Anon!
Captain, I do feel so much better.
Thanks to all for being my ears! :)
Always,
Crusty~

Anonymous said...

You did NOT suck as a Mom yesterday. You provided a very fun and memorable time for a bunch of youngsters, including your own, not to mention the adults who attended. I know for a fact that one little boy said it was the "funnest" birthday party he had ever been to.
I know you're down on yourself because you can't make you and your own family fit into the narrow mold of acceptability that others have created for you. How 'bout we bust that mold to bits? You are a wonderful, warm, generous, energetic woman. Keep as much distance as you can from those who have such warped ideas about who and what is acceptable. They just add more pain and suffering to life (remember: when they did it to you, they did it to your kids too), and I don't know anyone who needs any more than they already have.

sanityrules said...

You ask me about the photo on my blog - the watermill. It is somewhere along the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia. I think I got this off of webshots.com. Just go there and do a search for Mabry Mill and you will find it.

abbagirl74 said...

WOW. I thought I had a bad week.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Thanks Sanity!
Hi,Abba! Thanks for reading-as usual!! You had such a rough week, I'd not ask to switch places (except during your weekend getaway) life is challenging, and we all have our hurdles, right? At this point its my family/children..and perhaps someday it will be my coworkers -if I can make it to working. :)
always,
crusty~

austere said...

Crusty. I think I got scolded a couple of times properly and both times I deserved it.
I think you were just fine.

Portia said...

i threw my son's 1st bday party when my next son was about 2 weeks old. i was a MESS. everyone said it went fine but i was about as tired and stressed as i could get. we tried to keep it simple too, but there seemed to be no way to avoid all the people. both of our families, and of course there were certain others that i felt obligated to have over...anyway, i'm just saying i can relate. and honestly it sounds like you did a great job!