Sunday, September 16, 2007

Boob-a-licious ..Or NOT!

So, my friend from Florida, Ali, had a baby boy about a month ago.
Today she sent me an email about breastfeeding.
Why it's good to breastfeed, in a humorous way:

Top 10 reasons to breast feed

10. It’s like having a boob job with out the surgery
9. Someone will actually eat food that I make and only throw up occasionally
8. If you sleep topless, he will take care of himself (sadly this how I got pregnant in the first place)
7. When your pre-teen son shows up with his friends unexpectedly, they get to see a show.
6. Breast pads serve the same purpose as push up pads.
5. Puppies love you
4. Babies are cuter than nipple rings
3. You are always allowed to be late with the excuse “I needed to feed the baby”
2. There is nothing better than having your nipples stick to your shirt.
1. Breastfeeding in public: The only time you can pull your shirt over your head with out having to star in a Girls Gone Wild video


The Other Side:

Top Ten Reasons NOT to Breastfeed(or signs that it's time to stop) : *created by Crustybeef*

1.Your husband prefers your creamy wonder in his coffee versus hazelnut creamer
2. Your hormones will go nuts when you do finally stop breastfeeding causing you to gain more weight due to imbalances.
3. Your sex life involves: "wait hunny, I have to go pump first unless you want a milk bath.."
4. You're tired of being the designated driver with your girlfriends and you miss that beer.
5. You're not willing to admit that you have tasted it(breast milk), it doesn't taste bad, and you'd taste it again.
6. You'll have to wait 5+ years to get the settlement for suing the airlines when they asked you to "cover up or get out.." of the plane.
7. Children will learn sooner than later what a "ring around the collar" is when you leak and gain the Saturn appeal (the nipples are Saturn, the rings? the milk if you were confused)
8. Your nipples will get so used to the milk lotion that regular soap will irritate them
9. Soaking your 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets when your babes little mouth slips off your nipple-you think grass stains are difficult to get out? HA!

and the tenth?

10. Your breasts and nipples will look like hell after the milk is long gone-like unwanted CRUSTED flapjacks at a truckers diner..

In Crustyland, I'm all for breastfeeding-my babies- that is. It did take me having three babies to figure out the trick to breastfeeding. And I'm still not certain I understand the pump and dump rule is it 4+ hours of pumping and dumping after a beer? Or is it 4 hours from that first sip of beer that you have to begin pumping and dumping and then 4hours afterwards. You see? I still don't have it straight. But, I'm not willing to have another go at it-so don't worry!! There's not going to be a crusty vs boobs round quatre.

I'm also understanding with moms that just decide not to do it. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It's your body, it's your baby, it's your choice. There should be no one that tries to guilt you into thinking that you're doing wrong by not breastfeeding.

There's so much involved with breastfeeding.
It takes knowing an excellent lactation specialist that will take the time over and over and OVER again, to get you used to the many different positions of nursing. You think trying to learn football positions are difficult? Try taking a lactation class. It takes patience, and serious willpower.

If you didn't breastfeed, more power to you. I'm not one to point the finger, or should I say nipple, in this situation. Regardless, for any of you, having had that newborn-nipple-breast-experience (the milk always comes in whether you want to breastfeed or not!) its just not for any mom to judge. So, if you didn't nurse, awesome!!- I hope the breastfeeding hawks didn't give you a hard time. It's your body-never forget that!!

If you did nurse?.. don't envy the women with the still perky breasts, zilch stretch marks, and lovely C cup molding without the folding near the armpit crevice-because they didn't breastfeed.

AND, if you're not a parent yet? You have zero right to judge anyone in a nursing situation. Just worry about yourself. Oh, and do me a favor, if you get that urgency to judge the nursing moms or the moms that don't,try sticking your nipple and part of your breast in your vacuum attachment. Press POWER BOOST, and while suctioning away your glands, twist your nipples really hard while twisting the other nipple with a dry scrub brush.
That should shut you up.
if it doesn't, I guarantee the milk will-when your time comes, and believe me, if you have a child, your time will.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I am BOOB-a-rrific!!

12 comments:

Cheryl said...

Who would have thought to post about that? And why not? I loved every minute of nursing. I knew I'd only be having one child and wanted to 'milk' every moment of the experience. I did it for 19 months. And considered myself fortunate to be able to do that. I know so many moms who wanted to but couldn't. I loved having those big nursing boobs.

SOUL: said...

booberrific eh? well go you!
pretty good post... perhaps there's a mom magazine somewhere you could have it published... perhaps? or not?
whaddayadoin?

i am a very bad fish fry-er. i can cook almost anything... bt fish just comes out like a cup full of grease. blech. but did that stop me? oh noooo.... i ate like a pig. but i ate my veggies. :))

still no donuts. :((
and didn't go fishin again either.
just bein lazy... and i have a head ache.

java monster withdrawl?
hmmmthis day seems to be lasting forevah!!!!

i answered all your comments.. and ya missed one.
c ya in a while...
maybe

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Cheryl, WOW 19months that's awesome! It was a wonderful bonding time that is for sure!!
Glad to trigger good times!! :)

Soul:
Crap, How'd I miss one? I must be typing too fast, have to ssllllllllllloooooooowwww down as usual..thanks for reminding me, my tiny birdie bat gma!
tweet cough ppffffffff
Always,
Crusty~

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Soul: thanks again for the sweet words too! I figured this deserved its own warm regards..I saw your comment as well to Andrew, and WOW! You really moved me (apologies if I just sounded like Jerry Maquire!)
If I knew how to send an article to a magazine publication, I would..but I have no clue, and the google things drive my head fuzzy..but you are so sweet!!
Always,
ALWAYS,
Crusty

tweet tweet~

SOUL: said...

get up... thanks to you too. even though i was just "talkin".
anyhow.. i can help ya find a magazine. if you want.
you just cannot imagine the HELL I went thru TRYING to breast feed. it just didn't work. i endured extreme pain, but had to finally go to the bottle. there are a lot more women who WANT to but can't... so stop... than those who just don't for vanity or other selfish reasons. ya know.???
you could really elaborate, and polish this into a very good article, and help people out.
i don't buy a lot of magazines.. so i would have to research what is even out there anymore. if i buy a magazine it's either about fish or food! LOL
anyhow.. we'll talk abot it.
are you up yet?

Anonymous said...

LOL.. I love your blog and creativity..you make me laugh...

BDD

Blufeenix said...

Oh god. you just made my boobs twinge...I remember when the milk came in..ouch lol I only ever got the " you should go somepleace else" speech once while breast feeding. I asked the man if it was envy making him so green and laughed as he turned beet red.

tex said...

Okaaaayyyy.....I'm not sure how to respond, except to say women are lucky...they can look at breasts whenever they want!!

mosiacmind said...

Never breastfed but have lots of friends who have or do....mainly just wanted to say hi..........

Portia said...

LMFAOoooooo!! especially that last part about the vacuum + dry scrub brush..ouch :D

CRUSTYBEEF said...

SOUL: I agree, breastfeeding is hell...and thats why it's not fair to give the nipples hawk eye cast down on the moms that aren't doing it..It's painful, it's time consuming,..and then there's the situation without not making enough milk..UGH!!

anonbdd: GOT MILK? NEED MILK?? yum!!


BlueFeenix: That was a smart idea..why didn't I Think of that? HAHAH..so where were you when you were asked to move somewhere else?

tex: very funny-hardeharrharrr...yeah, we can look at OUR breasts whenever we want..but imagine how you'd feel when looking "down" when your manline starts looking all funky, flappy, and crosseyed..that'd cause you pain... :)

mosiac mind: Hey there lady..I'm glad some things have improved over in your land..you seem good..much more positive..and the other blog? How's it going? I misplaced the invite link, would you mind resending?? HI GRACIE!! Arrff!

Portia: Doesn't it just seem so fresh especially with your wittle bear...
sigh..I don't miss it at all!

Always,
Crusty~

SOUL: said...

it was hell. omg the pain. i had milk. my gawd did i have milk... i just had babies who didn't know how to get it... or i didnt know how to give it...hell i dont know. i did everything but calla nurse in. i called the la'leche (?) league... all kindsa ppl... nuthing helped. i was forced to give it up... or have my boobs cut off.

women who can do it with ease... more power to ya. cuz it is pure hell and agony for those who really have trouble.