Tuesday, October 30, 2007

When? and Rambles as Usual

When did he start closing the door to have privacy to go potty?
When did he get so big?
He's almost 6 years old, and I can still remember the day he was born.
Every bit of detail about him.

When did he start calling me mom?
He's still only three!
When did his legs grow sprouts, who sprinkled those freckles upon his cute face?
Amazing the difference the letters M + Y can make.
Especially when you hear them calling out 'mommy.'

When did his cry change to that type of toddler rumble?
When did he learn how to rest his head upon my leg when he's getting way to tired.
He's beyond 15months now, my gosh how time flies.

But do you see the change happening when it happens? Or not until afterwards is the change noticeable? It crept up on me out of nowhere and than suddenly it's completely different.

Still as fast as they might be growing (and it's true, they do grow up so fast!!) I don't want to go through anymore of my own newborn baby phases. I'll welcome it with my cousins, sisters and friends, heck, all of my family can bring a newborn to the table, but I still won't want another one of my own, I'll admire theirs plenty!

As you know I've been trying to figure out whats best for me regarding the tubes being tied. It dawned on me the other day through the mist of my frothy beer.

I've bagged up and passed on the majority of my baby clothes without thinking about it too much at first.

I've passed on the baby stroller, the swing and the saucer,the bottles have been pitched, all the signs have been there based solely on my actions. And then the other night I put it all together as we were walking around at the block party, one block over, drinking a beer and talking with all the people.

The block party was held on the street that backs up to the schools playground and when Jackson and I first arrived he immediately looked out for all of his buddies. Bigdogg had lost the rock paper scissors bet to remain at home until the younger two woke up from their naps. They were zonked from a long day of fun at the pumpkin patch!

So Jackson and I walked over there together, he holding the bag of chips and I holding the taco dip salad mix I made to share with the families. Jackson being old enough to be "okay" at the park without me by his side, and I could see him clearly, I knew he was fine. An hour or so goes by and then Bigdogg comes over. Pushing the last remaining double wide stroller that we've held onto (this one given to us by Mom "Stacey" and "Bob.") the other ones long since passed on.

Sullivan wasn't content with all the bikes, scooters, bubble machine, chalk, fire pits, food and cookies that were within his eye sight. It didn't even matter to him that his 2 year old buddy "Tyler" was there waiting for him. He heard the noises over at the school's park and he wanted to go play. Which is fine and all, but that would mean one of us would have to go stand there with him. That would mean no socializing for us parents with the young kids.

During the "battle" over the park versus the street, it dawned on me that I still have to go through it one more time with Baby Ben (duh!) and there was my answer.

I love my boys and sure there are still those late night dreams of little girls, but I am tired and I just want to be able to go with my Bigdogg and children to an evening out with our friends, and be able to sit back and still be watchful over my children, but not have deal with all that hovering.

I never used to think of it that way, I just went into it with my motors running because I knew that's what you have to do. You can't sit down and eat a plate of food without most likely rushing. Even if there are people sitting there watching my boys, I still have to hurry up, the children are my responsibility not yours. I can't serve myself first, I give them their food. I can't talk with my young mommy friend about her recent diagnosis of breast cancer without interrupting her and the conversation to chase after my toddler. If I want to read a book I have to wait until nap time, or after they've pooped all that poop of theirs out. And believe me these boys can poop up a storm. (It's amazing to me the amounts!)

Now I know this is all part of parenthood and that's what I signed up for. I think what I'm trying to say is that I've found my decision. That decision to close the book on all those revolving chapters:
The middle of the night newborn cries.
The concerns over "are they teething?"
"Do you think they have gas?"
"What's wrong with him, how come he won't sleep during the day, during his nap?"
"He's feverish because of those shots..."

I know there are other phases yet to be faced with, and I can't wait to see them!! I will miss elements of the newborn phase, like how they just lay there, and you can watch them fall contently asleep in your arms after a comforting nursing, or a nice warm bottle. The smells and the coos that they make. The fluttering of their eyelids as little babies sleep.I will miss the phases that I've finished as of present, but I'm just not up to going through it again.

I've had my fun with all that "baby making," pregnancy growing, sacrificing time frames. Sure sure, I know, the rest of my life as a parent is sacrificed. And I'm content with that too, I just don't want to have any more children. It's time for the next phase to begin in our lives-my life-and I don't want the added anxiety of worrying about getting pregnant.

I look forward to taking my boys skiing somewhere someday, and as long as I keep popping out those babies, those fun excursions will have to wait. I look forward to the unknowns of the future, and I'm glad I was able to come to a firm decision that I am officially done having children.

I look forward to going to holiday gatherings someday in perhaps well, 3years more so 4 and to be able to sit down and visit and not chase after the toddler heading towards things in a non baby proofed home. (I will say you will be amazed at your reflexes as a new mommy or daddy-it's superhero levels!!)Or to glance at my Bigdogg and give him that unspoken look, that look that says, "it's your turn, can't I just finish my ham?"

I look forward to visiting with my friends and to not have to interrupt them because of nap times, scowls and tantrums.

I look forward to making plans to travel out to visit my out of state friends, and not have to deal with the mission of "who can I find to babysit my young children?"

I never used to look at it that way, I just dealt with it as I delivered them, (from that sentence you'd think I'd had 20 children!!) but now I'm ready to go on living and put having babies up on the shelf for someone else to take it. The sacrifices still being made, this is just how I arrived at my decision after all that inner soul searching.

There are some that can do it 5X, 4X, 7X, 1X,2X,0X-basically we all know our limit and I've met mine.


On a funnier note, I was listening to Jack and Sullivan playing star wars with their little tiny tan droids and for the longest time they kept calling those tiny brown things, ROGER ROGERS!!
They think that's their name because apparently during the movie, the guys are heard yelling "ROGER ROGER!!"
See? That's a cute phase that I'm in now, and I love to see how they take things, hear things, act out things..

TO see what Droids I'm speaking of, the best way to get there is to click on this word, here.
I tried uploading pics but the picture loader isn't working!

Welcome To Crustybeef~
Pardon me now, I'm off to go do a Vlog of the popcorn eating Crusty-hahah..just kidding!Actually, I have a poopie diaper to change..See what I mean? :)


Anonymous said...

They are getting so big and so cute. It is awesome to see them getting bigger. You are doing such a terrific job. thank you!!


anonBDD: they are quite interesting fellas aren't they? Someday it'll be just you and I-you ready for that? :)

Tink said...

I look forward to parenthood... One day. I think it'll come later than my Mom would like though. :)

tex said...

Been there...doing that

Anonymous said...

Yes I am ready for that....R U?


tink: Mom's can wait until they're blue in the face..when you're ready and you and the Hoopster will know..course, no matter "how much you think you're ready," you never are..:) I'll help ya! cause it'll be fun than,..I get to go home!! :)

Tex: EXACTLY!! CHIII are needed soon!! umm, maybe this friday??

ANON: I am ready!! what are you ready for? more kids,no kids, grandkids?

SOUL: said...

the rest of my life as a parent is sacrificed.

this line really jumped out at me crusty----YOU will ALWAYS be a parent. you will always be a MOM. you don't have to have young kids to be a mom. you'll be their mom when your holding THEIR babies!

remember that.


glad you came to peace with all of this.
good for you.

7 days?
woo hoo

Mary said...

When the answer comes it's clear. Devoting your time to raising the three dear boys you have will fill your days. Your decision is made and it's a good decision. There are many adventures ahead.


FOODIE FOOD here we come!! Very very cool!!
Yeah, hard to imagine for me at times..and I've seen that it's harder because you do lose that level of "control"...but I do welcome it and I am glad and I'll accept whatever is thrown at me, cause I do always get up and get through it and learn from it all...Life is Good, Feels Good to Be At Peace... :) Fish Fairy? Internet Fairy? Um,..Cable Fairy?

Thank you!! It's very very comforting to have made the decision. Sometimes the element of having a problem is harder than the problem itself..too much anxiety knowing I have a "problem" to solve..I just want to solve it and learn from it already, to make that decision and well..I am looking forward to the adventures ahead!!


Cheryl said...

Sounds like you've made your decision. The baby stage might be over, but you'll have your boys and all the stages that are yet to come. All kinds of things to look forward to that you can't do now with little ones. I'm sure glad those diaper days are over. I wouldn't mind reliving some of my daughter's younger days. You know, before hip hugger jeans and boobs. Back when life was simple.

Anonymous said...

i am the same.. i miss those baby days.. cooing crawling, their sleep sounds..but now that our coffee bean is 5, no...im looking forward to her getting bigger.. we can let her out more...we can stand by and watch and as you said, not "hover"... you know when it's right....

KYRIE said...

Happy Halloween Crusty!!
I love the Dream Jars idea :)

captain corky said...

I've got a couple more to go I hope, but I think you've done your duty for God and Country. ;)


Cheryl: ugh, thanks for reminding me why I'm blessed NOT to have a daughter...add hormones to it and my hair is falling out due to stress as I type this!!

Jyankee: "we can let her out more.." hahah..why did I find that so funny? Because that's how I feel with my kids...it's nice to look forward to phases isn't it??

Kyrie: Isn't that a great story? I love it!! to find your dreamy dream after a rather nasty nightmare. :) HAppy Halloween Back!!

capt: you sure about that? My duty I mean? :) You're just hoping for that vlog... :) hahah
Happy first Halloween Max!!



simonsays said...

They do just seem to change, overnight. You wake one morning, and they are "different". Over and over.

And I just knew, too, when it was time, when it was over---no more babies. I think you just "know".



Oh how right you are... how true it is! I hope you're feeling better!!!!!

Portia said...

You have wonderful memories, and are on to making more! I'm glad you feel good about your decision:)


Portia: I am definitely content with it -lets hope-because there is no going back!!! :)
Crusty~ :) hahahahah.

SOUL: said...

just passin thru...


Soul: Hey there momma Birdie!!