Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Terrrrible Two'sday

Everything comes in threes-usually.
Today it's more paired up in two's over here.

The fallen 60minutes back time change has hit us hard (for some reason) in Crustyland.
Take this morning for example, laying in bed wide awake at 4:00am, I tossed and turned until 5:15am. Woke up, put on my outside clothes and drove to the grocery store:

Overheard on the coffee and cereal aisle:
Dude 1:
"I remain crazy to keep me from going insane."
"I come in and head straight through the bakery section with my guns blazing, they think I'm a time bomb ready to blow, and it works out because they see me as a whacked out employee and they leave me alone. They don't mess with me, chide me, cause me any issues. I come in and do my job, and do it well, and then I go home...."

Dude 2: "Yeah yeah man, hey are you gonna leave me that tape measure in your will?..."

Depending on how long you've been reading me, you should know that I wake up early to go grocery shopping. There's never anyone there, unless it's people from the overnight shift stocking the shelves, and the rare early morning 'career-pather' running in for their lunch in a box.

I've heard some interesting conversations in this particular grocery store early in the mornings past. I'll have to find the post I speak of.....

So 5:15amish found me in my red and green plaid pj pants, Bigdoggs MIAMI HURRICANES football teeshirt, white socks and brown rocketdog insulated heel opened shoes. Basically I looked like a mismatched crusted up mom. Oh, yeah, and my coat! My coat that I grabbed that I realized while at the store, had a nice sized hole on the side of it near the pocket. DARN IT! That's my version of a winter coat. And today, this morning, it was cold..more so the wind, but knowing that there's a nice size hole in my coat made me not so happy go lucky this morning.

I saw the same overnight guy at the kiosk for the self checkout lanes, he actually needed to help me scan my Honeycrisp apples. Have you ever self scanned your checkout items? Try the apples, try searching for the apples, there are so many of them listed on the screen, and of course, there wasn't any in the computer labeled Honeycrisp. Problem solved, he entered in the three or four digit number that was on a teeny tiny sticker on the apples, (so that's their purpose!! I always was curious to know what those stickers meant) and before long I was walking back outside to my car with the large hole in my coat pocket and my brown mismatched shoes socks,pj bottoms shirt combo.

Oh, before going on, I need to mention what I found when I walked past the frozen section near the ice cream. A big sign near the ice cream read, "LIMITED TIME ONLY" special edition ice cream from EDY'S called apple pie ice cream!! Sounds interesting, doesn't it?
At first I thought, "Apple pie ice cream? EEwwwww!!" But now that I'm writing this I'm thinking, maybe it isn't that bad. Going with the Green Eggs and Ham approach, I love apple pie, I love ice cream, so maybe it isn't yuckie. I just may have to go back and buy some, but I would have to heat up the bowl of ice cream just so it "feels" like true apple pie, minus the best part, the crispy golden brown flaky pie crust!!

Moving on, I arrived back home with my hazelnut coffee, hazelnut creamer, donuts, bananas and Honeycrisp apples to find Bigdogg awake watching ESPN in our family room. (He's been affected by this time change as well.) I heard noises upstairs and of course it's,... Sullivan!! yes, he was as wide awake as was Benjamin. The only smart one in our house this morning was Jackson. A household of 5 and at 6:00am, 4 of us were all up. I having yet to have sipped my first cup of coffee, delved into the dishes of last nights supper that were hanging out in our kitchen sink. Dinner last night was my special homemade cornbread, and chili. For a side Bigdogg and I noshed on nachos. The kids? Boiled Hot Dogs, cinnamon apple sauce, and veggie oil fried french fries.

We just had a craving for warming belly teasing Fall food.

Working on the dishes I also prepared a bowl of maple brown sugar oatmeal for Benjamin with cut up banana's, and his nutripediasurethingie vanilla drink. For Sullivan I poured his bowl of fruit loops cereal, filled up his glass with Orange Tangerine OJ, set out his Flintstones vitamin and put two powdered donuts on a little coffee cup plate near his cereal bowl.

Ever call breakfast out to a 3year old that is clearly as tired as we are? Bad move. You'll be met with this dinosaur sound of whine, blood, sweat and maybe if you're lucky enough, tears...

"I donne wannna eat, it makes me sick..Mommmmmmm.."

Not at 6something in the morning am I going to have a reasoning debate with a 3 year old. I'm the adult, I'm the one in charge here, I can move mountains!
Yea, sure.

I walked downstairs to the family room, crouched down to make eye contact with my precious child and said, "You are going to go upstairs and eat your breakfast now. Either you can walk upstairs by yourself, of I'll take you up there myself."

He walked upstairs by himself.

Wise choice.

By this time Benjamin was sitting in his highchair, he was just about finished with his breakfast drink of that nasty vanilla chalky vitamin pediasurenutrithingie (because he's a picky eater) drink crap, and suddenly, as we approached the kitchen, we hear this loud sound...BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That would be Ben throwing his plastic cup on the hardwood floor of our kitchen. Ever throw things at a hard wood floor at 6am? It's really loud! Accelerated due to the house still in her sleep mode. Rest assured after he threw his cup, the remaining one of our five was awake and "happy." Along with our entire neighborhood I presume.

Benjamin had his bowl of banana slices in oatmeal, and then moved on to some mini pancakes.
WAIT! I thought you said he's a picky eater?!!
He is a picky eater.
If it were up to him, he'd eat, bananas, pancakes and noodles with a slice or two of bread. That's it. Now is that all we feed him daily?
Sure, of course it is!! He's my third child, I'm not concerned with malnourishment.
GOTCHA! Just messing with you.

Because he's our third I'm not as "annoyed" with this pattern had it been my first time around. We fought Jackson tooth and nail to eat his plate of food when he was a younger toddler-and it made us crazy. Today at almost 6 years old, the child eats like he has a tapeworm. He'll eat veggies, he'll eat shrimp, he loves meat, rice, all of it. So all of that hair pulling, teeth gnashing was a waste of time because look at him now! Which is why I'm not stressed over Ben's picky-ness. I supplement it once a day with those chalky drinks that he actually enjoys drinking, and I remind myself that someday, in 5 years, he too will be an eating champion. Appearing on the cover of WHEATIES with his older brothers that have since gone platinum with their rap rendition of LONDON BRIDGE.

After the breakfast routine of, "I can't eat it anymore, my belly hurts, I'm too full," dear Sullivan, and Ben, who by the way was now turning his head at the four remaining snip its of pancakes that sat on his plate on his highchair, I took that as a "sign," and begun cleaning up their food. Turned the messy plates into glistening plastic as I scoured them with hot water in the sink and stuck them in our dishwasher. Next we headed downstairs for playtime before I needed to dress Sullivan to be ready for school.

Within minutes of being downstairs in our family room this morning, I realized that I don't have a third son, but rather, a young puppy.
He heads to the plants and attempts to start nibbling on the leaves.
Receiving a quick "NaaaNo Ben," he turns and heads towards the bathroom.
Trying to lift the lid of the toilet so he can sip the water in the large bowl beneath him, I give him another, now this time stern, "NaaaNo Ben!!"

He turns and heads for the toy chest where he proceeds to stick everything and anything into his mouth.

See? Puppy? Not a sonny but rather a puppy.

All of this before 7:15am.

Moving along to 45minutes ago, us now dressed and in the car ready to take Sullivan to school.

Today was the first time that I had to do the bundle wrap with all three. As of 8:10am it was only 37 degrees. So all three boys had on their winter coats, hats, gloves and were toasty warm and complaining about how HOT it was. I climb into the drivers seat of my blue mommmovile and just as soon as I am in my street after backing out of my driveway, I turn up the volume on my radio: (I always turn the radio off when I back out, minivan, popular children's neighborhood, kids walking to school, long driveway, I can't be too careful)

This is what came next, with the voice on the radio: "THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT DILDOS TO CHOSE FROM!"

Oh Crap! Now what!? Just hold my breath and pray that the kids aren't processing that last sentence they heard on an AM radio station.
God knows the morning I've had, surely he wouldn't...
Holding my breath...
Wait for it....
Here it comes........

Jackson: "Mommy, what's a Dildo?" (*note -he laughingly emphasized the word, dildo, as if he already knew what it was.)

Mommy: "Not a dildo Jackson, the man on the radio said DODO, and a DODO is a bird."
Jackson: "No he didn't mommy, there was an L in the word the man said, DILDO."
Mommy: "OOOoooooohhh, yes, well, that's a rather private word that young boys don't need to say."
Jackson: "Is it a baddddddd word?"
Mommy: "No, it's just a word that only grown ups use, and they only talk about it privately."
Jackson: "Why do grown ups use the word Dildo? What does it do?"

I mean, COME ON! Give me a break! If I had SAID it was a bad word and just left it at that, he'd have intentionally stored it for use later on with his male friends out at recess. He isn't a 3year old so I can't use the old, "Because I Said so,.." by doing so will create an interest in this word, as I know my son, and my son is quite intuitive. He can pick up when something is rather, shall we say, taboo. So, I did the best I could after my already hectic interesting morning...

Mommy: "A dildo, Jackson, is something grown up women use to help them when they're having problems going peepee. It helps them get the pee out of their private parts."

Jackson: "EWwwwwww, girls and their private parts? That's gross!"

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I shutter to think of what he'll think when someday he browses through his first dirty magazine with his buddies: "Yeah man, look!!! Look at that dame over on page 10, her urine is blocked up and look how nice her friend is, she's trying to help her get the pee out..."
I have no doubt that today's morning will someday come back to haunt me.


Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!! That is so funny. leave it to Jackson to ask the important questions. LOL!!!! Man what a morning...

Andrew said...

HA HA HA! I was rolling on the floor and you handled that beautifully. Thank you for sharing that! Kids!!!! That must have been some advertisement on the radio. lol


anon: RIGHT? I mean what else is going to go on today here in crustyland? Why does Jackson have to be so "aware?" :()

Andrew: That's what was so mind boggling about the advertisment. It was am radio..WHen I drove to the grocery store early this morning I was listening to this said station and it was just random talks about traffic, the issues out in Middle east and it seemed quite political...would I have imagined dildo would have come from this station? Certainly not..I guess it's safe to say that all the DILDO's in the world were against me today. :)


Mary said...

I just love kids and their questions. A few years ago your morning could have been mine. Enjoy these days - the questions get harder.

Anonymous said...

hey its tara, here is the website i was talking about where i made the extra summer cash.......... the website is here


Mary: SO speaking from your experience I have to ask, Did I handle it well? :) IT's crazy, but if anything, It makes for great stories... I couldn't think of better things to write about than this stuff!! :)

Tara: THanks for THE SPAM-I appreciate it very much.


tex said...

Dear God......
Tara get lost you loser....
Second: The Apple Pie ROX!!! Everytime they hand it out at work, I grab some....you should try it....maybe I'll get it for ya so you won't have to waste any $$ on it. But it's due to go Bye-bye soon....
As for the dildo.....I'm not going anywhere near there....nice escape try though....


tex: Could you? Would you?free ice cream? Do so-and bring the budweiser too, okay?
so if your kiddio's asked the question than perhaps you'd say, "Go ask your mom?"....It was an attempt that will be punishable someday in the future, right?

Portia said...

Oh, Crusty, I am feeling for you! I'm sorry it was such a rough one, I hope it has gotten way better or is going by FAST:) Sure made for a great post, though! You had me cracking up. I loved the description of how noises at 6AM seem so much louder than at any other time of day. uncanny huh? and could it be that MAYBE, just maybe, all that hair pulling and teeth nashing with Jackson wasn't such a waste - maybe it's actually why he's such a good eater now...? or not, who knows:) the dildo story was halarious! reminds me of one....but i've rambled on long enuf here...i'll have to remember to post it sometime:)
later chica

Anonymous said...

Jeez Crusty, after all that, I think you deserve some Apple Pie in one tasty form or another. I've also wondered about that ice cream too.

Let me know what you think if you try it. i'm trying to lose weight, not gain it, so I probably need to not try it.
Take Care

Anonymous said...

The overnight stockroom guys are a breed apart from the rest of the human race. They are what artists are to high culture and what wrestlers are to athletics. In short, they march to a different drummer and the beat is solely THEIRS!

A lot of these characters work that shift because:

1) It's hard to get people for that shift and it pays a little better,
2) Some of these guys are a bit shy on the social graces and other dignifying manners and that usually results in not being able to hold higher-profile day jobs, and
3) Many night guys have substance problems and use their shift to either recuperate from earlier bouts or secure contraband for future encounters.

If your son or daughter ever comes home and announces that their future spouse is one of these folks, you're guaranteed an interesting life.



Portia: You bring up a very very good point...but my hair is still falling out from all that pulling 4years ago and then some...
I look forward to hearing your story on the rather blushing word that I will pull out of my archives someday over thanksgiving dinner with my hopeful three daughter in laws!!!

Proxima: I will let you know..unfortunately for me I too am "watching" my weight..they say you gain when you quit smoking-yes, that is correct over here...and the goal is to train for a marathon..hopefully TEX will come through..perhaps he should offer up samples to all of my favorite readers?? :)

UD: I'll keep my toes crossed that my boys do well enough to ensure a girfriend potential.. :)
So does that mean I'm interesting cause I've always enjoyed the 3rd shift? Back as a surgical aid my fav shift as hard as it was was the 3rd one..so peaceful if that goes with surgery and a hospital..but yes, I have to agree with you that the majority of people lead an interesting life..that and perhaps the need to make more ends meet therefore working themselves to the bone. Remember that one overnight shift man that was excited to get money from his tax return? Thanks for stopping in, by the way!!! :)

The Real Mother Hen said...

Good blog, very funny :)
Hey we have something in common, I like to do grocery in the morning too :) but you know what, I got a problem, I can't wake up especially during the colder months.

Portia said...

it was just a slip of the tongue :o
but it was funny :D
i hope you're having a good evening:)

Mary said...

Had another thought. You do realize that now that a new word has been added to the vocabulary his teacher and friends will have to be educated. He'll tell them all about his new word and define what it's for. (At least that's what my boys would have done.)


The Real Mommie cluckcluck:>{ I'd be happy to lend you my boys to wake you early to go!! :)

Portia: you are sooooo right! Without a doubt..

Pardon me everyone, but OH SHIT, my son DOES have a WORD WALL at school..Oh man!! OH MAN!! Where's my glass of wine? Screw that, get me a budweiser...


Palm Springs Savant said...

I thought that was a fairly good explanation...for on the fly and all. I give you a star for creativity!

Blur Ting said...

Ha ha, thank goodness we don't have dildo ads here! I wouldn't be able to explain it quite as well as you did!

Blur Ting said...

Oh, just saw those Halloween pictures... so adorable in those outfits!

captain corky said...

LOL Good stuff Crusty. Hope today goes a little smoother. ;)

Anonymous said...

Mommy What's a dildo? Oh that is so classic Jackson. I think that's pretty funny. Just checkin in. Can't wait to see you Sat.
Guess who?

Tink said...

*Wipes tears from eyes* Omg. That is funny funny stuff!

Cheryl said...

You are one chatty woman! I love how you just talk to us like we're there with you. It sure is lively at your house. The dildo ending gave me a good laugh. To get the pee out???


PSS: Maybe it'll make me one step closer to my star mommy of fame in to be engraved on the sidewalk out front!! :)

Blurt: Ha! Maybe one day they will, and somehow this will blink and register with you and you'll be able to explain it..I do have to say that some are rather "surprised" that I would even try to explain it to him, which to me I don't see what the big deal is..He doesn't know what that words mean, and to deny him the right of an explanation of a word will only make someone like him sensitive to other things in the future..now is when it begins for the future, right? They're cute boys!!

Capt: I know, just think, someday Max may just ask you or Alyson the same questions-scary to think that it really is just around the corner.

anon: hmmm..well, I would have to say something about LYLAS! Right?
Drive by's anyone?mailboxes?

tink: THANKS!!! See what you and Hoop have to look forward to someday? Although for you your first baby will be a babygirl tink, so for an explanation to a girl, I couldn't tell you what to say. :) hahahah

Cheryl: I KNOW!! It was all I could come up with on my short coffee sipped morning!! You know I love reading you because that's how you talk to "us" -like we're on your deck drinking iced tea chatting about the day!!
But yes, I am chatty..always have been...too detailed and chatty for my own good!


Anonymous said...

Haha! That's pretty funny there chica... maybe I can find someone to come help me w/ my pee problem.


anon: I'm sure you can come up with something, right? I've heard Miami has some good spots for that!!