Wednesday, December 19, 2007

How To Be Me

Everyone tells me how I should be.
How I should act.
How I should react.

But whatever happened to me just being me?
Is it not good enough?
Do they despise me?
Do they hold jealousy wishing they could somehow emulate me?
My mannerisms or way of my emotional givings?

I don't know, but the more I try to be me, the more I get further and further away from those that I try to just be me around.

Because it's never good enough.
Never perfect.
Corrected or ignored.
Interrupted or disregarded.

But to me, according to me, I have growth each day.
I don't fear to learn what heartache is.
I don't fear to learn disappointment anymore.
I just don't want it anymore.

If it's not good enough for you, then obviously you've never allow me to be me.
Trying incessantly to please.
Because I like being me.
I like making happiness and peace.
I like being there for all-FOR ALL!
I like to forgive and turn the other cheek-sometimes too many times, but my cheek turns each time after the initial smack.

So why does it have to be that I have to be told that I shouldn't please?
So why does it have to be that I have to be told that I should control?
That I shouldn't control.
Should.
Shouldn't.
Be me.
Be you-but stop trying to please and make the world happy.

Is that so bad to want that?
Because it is after all who I am.

To want togetherness and love?
Is it wrong to tell me that I shouldn't be me?

To pray and hope for forgiveness?
How am I supposed to be me, when I'm not supposed to please?

Sure though, sadly,even with all of it, it is nice to be thought of in a good way.
It's nice to have it given back, and to be thought about.

But the more I'm me, the more I end up pushing people away.
Tragic if you ask me, but than again, I'm just me.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
sigh..................
How To Be Me....never good enough no matter how hard I try.
But I'm still the dumbass that tries to please-my own fault I guess.
Ignorance they'll say.
But what if it is just who I am?
What about considering me?
What about trying to seek me out, to need me for more value than just that person that is known as a mom?

very frustrating..the same cycles continue again and again.

9 comments:

Derna said...

whoa...what happened to you? who ticked you off in the family? call me later. got your card today -- so cute!! love YOU!

abbagirl74 said...

Funny, I went through something very similar today. I wrote a little about it.

tex said...

Thoughts are with ya.....positive vibes!!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Derna: HAHAH! Check your email! and lets catch up tomorrow!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY happy happy happy HAPPY.......

abbagirl: I'll be by shortly..I hope all is okay! You've been mailed hope to arrive in time before 25!! :)

Tex: 41, guy, 41!!! :0)

Always,
Crusty~

Cheryl said...

Just be you and ignore the naysayers. I don't think you can ever be too good, too considerate, etc... Keep on smiling, cause you light up the room.

Portia said...

It sounds quite frustrating. I agree with Cheryl, you are perfect the way you are, and you have a huge heart. I hope you're feeling better Crusty:)
p.s. most definitely not a dumbass but i can relate...:}

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Cheryl and Portia: You guys have warmed my heart! THANK YOU TO THE BOTH OF YOU!

Always,
Crusty~

austere said...

You're there, no matter what. AND you're so completely you.

No one can- and whomsoever it may concern please- even begin to understand what this complete genuine honesty, world view can mean to someone sitting two continents away.

I think the same treatment that you give your youngest when he's being difficult, perhaps?

CRUSTYBEEF said...

AUstie: your comment brought tears rolling down my eyes..thank you so much, I hope you know how much your words mean!!

Not a bad idea, the same way I parent, I should act..makes perfectly great sense! Thank you!
Bake to the kitchen for more baking!
Always,
Crusty~