Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sweet and Spicy with a Dash of Therms

I've had the flu.

When I get sick, like the sick that I've had, it puts me in a rather cranky mood. Some of you would say it's because I'm unable to control my body, to will my body to get over it quicker, and heaven forbid that I actually have to sit (on the toilet) more than 3x a day while I wait for this here viral crapper to dispose of himself from my intestines. Meanwhile he'll leave my body and bobbing around in the dark sewers, just lurking until it's time to infect another poor Chap. Chapped it is, I sent Bigdogg out for the suggested adult tush wipes the other day, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, thank you for that! (thank you, those of you that offered me with that tush saving grace suggestion!!)

Besides the Bum Runs, my inconsistent friend since I've been 16, you know her as Pam, decided to come over last Friday. But 9 days later, she's still here. Did I miss the wedding invitation, or save the date card for Pam and Sire Bum Runs? Not fun to have this type of combo party whatsoever.

Because of my strong personality, and the fact that I get itchy when things are out of my control, even though if you ask Bigdogg, he'd tell you I have quite improved on that area, compared to my manic state back when I was pregnant with our first child, Jackson. All in all, anytime it involves Pam and the flu, it makes me very crabby.

It would be NICE to have a better idea about Pam, for had I known, I'd have refrained from stepping on the weight scale mid afternoon last week. If I'd known she was coming, I'd have avoided it all. Yes, I know you're not supposed to weigh yourself mid afternoon, but, I'll tell you why I did it:

I figured, 'what's the big deal, I've been eating healthy, cut out the Starbucks, no grazing off the boys plates, no eating while standing up thinking that it's an improvement. I've refrained from heavy creamer in my coffee, nothing but that and bottled water with the occasional glass or two or three of crystal light. I've had veggies, I've had yogurt, sugar free jello, whole grain bread, turkey with low sodium, basically I've been eating so healthy that even when my nose would discover the separate food chain of McDonald's, my stomach would rumble in disgust. '


So, I climb on the scale, mid afternoon, remembering to deduct the difference of overage, and after holding my breath, because naturally I think it'll make a difference with things, I glance down, and see that my weight hasn't changed what so ever. After I threw the scale down the stairs, and put a pretty big hole in the wall from my generic version of a CHI hair brush, I sat down and cried.

I cried for no reason, and because I couldn't figure out why I was crying, it made me cry even more. What the hell was going on with me?

I figured it out later on that day, when darling Pam arrived with quite a load of luggage at my doorstep. So that's where the weight and tears came from!!

You see, I don't worry about tracking her as I had to previously, even though my attempts at tracking her, weren't very resourceful, mind you, as she'd throw me off pretty much each and every time. Having had my tubes tied back in November when the angry cyst said goodbye to his home, I really don't worry myself too much about Pam's GPS program anymore. She'll get here when she gets here.
No need to count any other thing, but deck of cards in Vegas,..I'm Just kidding!

Although this time, it would've been useful to track this Pam, being that the scale failed me and had I KNOWN she was coming, I'd have stayed clear of any weight glaring items, but it doesn't work that way for me, so instead, I have spent the past week fighting the flu with a rather arousing appetite, and stuffing my face with Gino's East Pizza, Starbucks coffee, Cans of Coke (I don't drink Soda/Pop!!) and putting all things bad into my mouth, any and everything that normally would have made my skin throw up hair follicles, thinking that maybe this chocolate piece will help ease the cranks.

Things are returning to normal, finally, and today my first visitor wasn't the cold oval dude (THE TOILET!). But I'm still cranky, so I will give you some thoughts and maybe if you're lucky, one picture, this is about things I just don't quite get, or understand:

Coming from someone that loves spicy and chocolate, when I got this flier in the mail last week, I had to re-read it a few times. I finally shook my head with a spice and a sweet BLAH IN HEAVEN! I am in no way interested in ordering Tabasco Spicy Chocolate for Valentines day, nor do I request that anyone send me some. This dark chocolate spiced with Tabasco Pepper Sauce is not welcome in this home!!

You interested?Really? Uh, okay, if so, please call 1-800-634-9599 and provide them with the
USE CODE: CHOC, and the item is #07765 and they're about $13 per sleeve. For more viewing pleasure, go to

Tabasco isn't paying me to promote this, I just figured there's someone out there truly interested in ordering, and to save time and my ever delicate cranky mood, I felt it was necessary to just put it all out there for you.

The Next Item that I just don't understand?

Monthly Customer Charge 8.85
First 20 Therms 20 @ $0.1473 2.95
21 - 50 Therms 30 @ $0.0579 1.74
Over 50 Therms 254.5 @ $0.0519 13.21
Environmental Cost Recovery 110.73 @ $0.0027 = .30
Environmental Cost Recovery 193.77 @ $0.003 = .58
Franchise Cost Adjustment .30
Transportation Service Credit 304.5 Therms @ $-0.0102 = -3.11
Customer Select Charge 5.77

The bold green lines are the items I question. Now before I go into my ramble, I have to make it clear that I do understand how to read my statements. I'm one of those that study the statements each month, including my bank statements, looking for mistakes, or searching for new add ons that I didn't read about in an updated Terms and Conditions pamphlet that they mailed out.

I've uncovered many errors in the past, and have been the victim(?) of fraudulent activities on our personal checking account, so, I study things.
I even study medical bills.
I request itemized billing because they have been known to charge for things that the patient wasn't ever even given.
Or they double charge. Sorry guys, but that is insurance fraud, and I would notify my provider if there is a discrepancy.

Take the time when I had Benjamin by c-section, they charged me for morphine 4X and/or doses. Not a big deal, except that I was wearing a purple band showing that I am allergic to that drug. So, did they give me the medication? Which is a big no-no, and maybe that's why it took me three and one half weeks to finally have a normal poop? Or did they just have an oops, 4X?

Or perhaps an attempt to try and slip the charge under the nose of the patients insurance because why would I be smart enough to follow up with that, after all, I have no time for that drama, being that my nipples were cracking from breast feeding, my shirts leaking moons over NOT My Miami circles on my favorite chill wear. My moods were up and down because of the hormonal shifts, not to mention I was craving a bowel movement like you wouldn't believe. So how would I possibly have time to research these things?


Back to Nicor and the first of the two lines I highlighted in green: I apparently am paying almost $9 a month to our gas company because I have a meter attached to the garage of our home. The meter that they need to determine how much gas we use monthly. The meter that they request that I electronically submit a monthly meter read, and on occasion, you'll see a woman or man drive by, in a four door white 2007 Ford Focus, music loud, a cup of Joe in one hand, they'll hold up a zapper and electronically read my meter without ever setting foot outside of their car.

But don't forget, they also charge based on an estimate of monthly use (of gas) or until I electronically submit them with the numbers that are shown within the dials of the meter that gives them the information to rightfully charge a consumer. To pay them for their gas.

So, I'm paying for a tool that gives them the necessary information in order to charge me not only for gas, but for the necessary taxes, plus a FOR EVERY X, you are charged additionally THIS AMOUNT, for your therms.

That's $108 a year. Pardon me if I seem stingy, but it just doesn't make any sense to me.

The other line in green, is a monthly charge that is based on the average cost of gas, that I have to pay, because I switched to a different gas provider. Now this gas provider, Interstate Gas Supply, promises to lower your gas statement, by providing you with gas of a lesser cost. Only Nicor then, charges me a certain fee monthly based on their cost of gas, because, as they told me, they are "storing the gas that I would be using if I were with them, (so basically they're storing my gas, but the gas that belongs to NICOR), in a storage location should I decide to switch back to Nicor, and until then, they are storing my gas, because if I did switch back and they didn't charge to store my gas-their gas-I'd have no gas."

It just doesn't make sense.

Plus I pay taxes on those charges, plus they tax me for my gas, so basically on an average monthly range of just gas-heat alone, my bills are around $275+ a month. Keep in mind that's just for gas. We still receive statements monthly for electric, sanitary/sewer, water, layadah la-yadah...

Maybe I should send them a bill for the steps I take to walk outside to my meter and the energy I use to send the information over the world web electronically because after all, that is also a tool.

I just don't get it.

Finally, the last of my IJDGIt's,...
You know what? This post has gone on too long, and I'll save you the agony of my third and final I just don't get it. I will say it pertains to Dr. Phil, and I have lost all respect for that man, and the picture he's trying to paint..shame on him. He's perfect I guess, and so is his wife, and they have provided a perfect upbringing for their children.

Welcome To Crustybeef~
I can be feisty when I'm sick and with Pam, and just well, Have A Day.


abbagirl74 said...

I love it! Totally agree with you on all aspects. Get those nasty gas people!

tex said...

GRRRR!!! SNARL..............No wonder your texts on friday were kinda...well....bitter.
Hope yer feelin' better.

Gypsy said...

Hi Elizabeth, I hope it cracks you up when I tell you that at first I thought Pam was an actual person. LMAO....seriously. It wasn't until you started to talk about weight and tears that the penny dropped.

That gas thing is crazy. Maybe I need to start studying our bills. I just glance at the total and pay it, usually very late, but I do pay it.

Thanks for the giggle this morning (sorry that it was at your expense and my own stupidity). Get better soon.


abba!!: funny, I made aLOT of shitty references, didn't I? :O)
I wish I could get them gas guys, if I hear about another gas shortage, than hell, get my gas outta storage and give them mine since I'm not using it. Stupid bs ploy I bet!

Tex: You should'a seen the tex I sent to my dear pal Soul, very uplifting! :) Very soon, please!!Before we leave for florida!

gypsy: HAHA! I had a post a few months back about her, when they discovered some ovarian cysts chilling out in my reproductive zone...and had many people saying, "gosh, your friend sounds like such a bitch." Please laugh, with all that you're going through, in kneedeep with your own doodie pipes, it's good to laugh. I know you're not laughing at me, more so because you can relate, right? :)


bonnie said...

I once made chocolate chip cookies with cayenne. They were pretty good. But tabasco is made with vinegar so I think they would be pretty BAD. The gas stuff drives me crazy. With the recent deregulation, my bill has doubled this year and it's all electric so WTF? I've been running around like an old grand dad turning all the lights out.


Bonnie, Funny, you sound like me, I'm always following the rooms turning off left over lights that were left on..
I call them leftovers because like food on my boys plates, they get down from the supper table,and leave the room, then any food on the plate will be leftovers for later...they leave a room with lights on, hence the left over lights..
It's really bad the costs...and to charge to have what they need to charge us, is just absurd!!
Are you tired from last night? :)


The Real Mother Hen said...

Oh hope you are feeling better. I hate to get sick too... when I get sick, I whine like a baby, not good for my control-freak image you know. Sigh!

Hey I am going to check out the tabasco website. I'll try anything that makes me look HOT, or jumping up and down screaming HOT!!!

Foster Communications said...

Dang. I'd ask who pissed in your Cheerios but I already know: Sir Runy Bum and Pam! You remind me of when I was 20. I got chicken pox. Chicken pox is not fun when you're an adult. When I say I had pox everywhere I do mean EVERYWHERE. Well "Pam" decided to visit me then too. And she was quite the saucy bitch that week let me tell you.

Seriously, I hope you're feeling better soon. Finding all those mistakes and getting your money back is v. cool. You're taking the power back! :)

austere said...

I do hope you're feeling better.
Re the gas company you probably have a valid point, and could complain with an activist group, but do consider the costs in terms of time and energy before you rush in to war. I've had to reconsider, and step back, remember those trees?

Cheryl said...


I was in the middle of this great read last night when Em asked if I'd lay in bed with her. I didn't mention the big break up on my site yet, but I'm so happy to be needed! I loved every word you wrote. Not too long at all, and all so true! Didn't Oprah have a falling out with the doctor too? He's not what he started out as, but all things change, and in his case, for the worst.

I hope your bum is feeling oh so much better today. When do you leave for FL? Are you steeling up for that one?


The REAL HEN!: Let me know how they taste!! OR if you have fire coming out of your mouth about a valentines view! A hen running down the street screaming HOT HOT with flames coming out her mouth! :)

JessFC: I've heard adult pox are dreadful, and to have them EVERYWHERE...eeeks! With Pam? I feel for mil has told me stories about my hubby having the pox as a young boy, and well, getting "a pox" on his OWIE!!!
I'm better..good to vent, and I get over moods quickly-as long as I'm able to vent..and in this case, no one did anything to me to hurt me, so it's quite recovery time.. :) but it's monday..I'll have family living in Minn. in about 3days---airtrafficcontrol for airport...

austie: As soon as you said, step back and the trees, I's more painful for me because they're charging everyone, and what about people that can barely afford their own bill, there is no relief for this..I'm sure in a few years there will be some credit coming based on the states attny's summary that it's too much per, I'll stew and wait and pray that ones that have so much less will be able to make ends meet. :) Your 6s was amazing,..I pictured my Uncle's family finding what was left of their home after Rita in New Orleans..beautiful piece my dear friend!

Cheryl: Check your email!! the first break up, I said still is fresh in my head...the way the heart flutters when you see the one now beginning the journey of the past...stay true to herself, the division of a relationship is heartbreaking, but perhaps in a few months, she'll have learned more about what she wants in a future suitor...sigh...I'm thinking of my breakup...regardless of who ends it, it's still a tough a mom, how are you doing??

Have a great day!

SOUL: said...

y'all crack me up--
saucy bitch
pam sir runny bum
just call her a crusty bitch
thats what she really is

pam= the anti christ for all women and men alike

pass the tobasco choc-- if nothin else it'll take your mind offa shit

yep-- a pun

happy monday

simonsays said...

Oh holy crap--- no pun intended----

What a time you are having! So many things happening at once, I feel for you. Really, i do.

I'm hoping that today, this rotten, crappy Monday, is better, at least flu wise -

My utilities are out of sight, too. This time of year is impossible, and the weather is only making in worse.

It has to get better, right?


captain corky said...

I'm not looking forward to seeing our gas bill. I'm not ready for the jump from appartment to house as far as the gas bill goes. Maybe I should just ask my wife not to show it to me.

I hope you feel better soon!

mosiacmind said...

I hope that you are feeling better and Gracie sends you hugs.......she has been such a good dog today I worry if she is alright and then remember she is an older dog now.


Soul: What up, lady? Get anymore national hotgorgeous text's latelY?? :)
I'm feeling better! YES!!

Jaime: HOw is your D? I haven't stopped praying for you guys..wishing some good will for you! Closing tomorrow, right? YEs, good riddance I can imagine!

Capt: That's exactly what we do here..I retrieve the statements, pay them with the hard earned $$ of Bigdog, and avoid having to practice my cpr certification by not showing him the crazy charges..although the direct tv is okay to be high, according to him...must be those sportschannels! :) GO NEP!

Mosiac: Awhhhhh,..lil' Gracie...Dog's always sense when things are around the corner for us grown ups...maybe she feels as though she needs to not bark as much right now..and reverse it for a later date!! :)

Happy almost Wednesday everyone!


Kelly Jene said...

As I wave Tom goodbye, hopefully Pam will leave you alone too. Those two are jerks, let me tell you. lol

Thank you for all the warm lovey's you left for me even though you appear to have been as-if-not-more miserable then me. I am praying for you even now, that healing continues to completion.

And by the way. You crack me up.

The Real Mother Hen said... doesn't have the chocolate *sob sob*... only has the lollipop - tabasco lollipop! :()

Portia said...

Wow, Crusty, I don't know whether to laugh or cry! I can relate on a few of those IDGIts:D I hope you're feeling better and better:)


Kelly: BELIEVE ME, seem to be having a rough goo..I'll take pam and Runny bum..but hope that you're having a better round this is your back, by the way??

MOTHA!!: Call the number, I sent you the information..maybe it's a special...and then I want to know how they taste, okay?

Portia: Hey there dawwwwwwling..pour any Sanghrai (Sp) lately? Wonder if the law passed to make it legal??

YOu all can laugh at it if you've been there,..because you know what it feels like.. hahaha
it's okay to laugh...