Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Therapeutic Murmur

There are many things, as parents, that you just have a difficult time watching. Some are part of life, some out of our control. Watching them grow up, yes, definitely out of our control. But, it's a part of life. As difficult as it is to watch their innocence slowly peeling away as life takes over, it's something as parents we have no choice but to accept, just as our own parents had to embrace it, so do we.

I'm not quite there for that part when the waters of parenthood grow deeper with the rough watered waves that can and will take over the entire household. I am fully aware of how lucky I am to have not been through some of the things you read other parents having had to experience. I am lucky and/or blessed (I go for both here, people) not to have to carry around the eternal glow of disaster or trauma with my young ones. There are many parents that experienced that aforementioned glow before they ever had an opportunity to kiss their newborn.

I'm one of those lucky ones.

As hard as this phase of parenting can be for me, it's nothing compared to what I'll see when my boys advance into their teens, the young adult phase, their mid twenties, the 'WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE AND FOR GOODNESS SAKES STOP WASHING YOUR REDS WITH YOUR WHITES IN WARM WATER' phase.

Trying to picture the future as I gaze at their knowledgeable grown up self, their backs turned against me,toward the sunrise of their own future. There I am, hanging back taking it all in, observing every step that they have taken from day 0 to present. Watching them go down a different road then the one I painted for them-that I have had painted for them-on the canvas of motherhood, ever since the moment they were placed within my embrace.

I can't imagine and well, I can't think about that part of parenting yet because if I allow my mind to wander ahead under the murmurs of the future, it'll only make life now less enjoyable. So, I'll stop right now. I'm going to focus on the now and not the tomorrow. To have to think of the day when I have to let go of my boys so that they can fly into their wings as gentlemen will be something I'll face tomorrow. For now I will tackle the mini-mom moments that will help prepare me for that time when life does become real for them, and when they leave my "nest" so to speak. The moments of now when my young boys go through phases of growth that remind me to stop and think, "aww man, how did we get here so damn fast?"

I don't like it.

But as much as I don't like it I am fully aware that I do have to deal with it, regardless.

I have to deal with it!!

I never imagined what it'd be like before I became a parent and as much as I still have so much more to learn in life including the world of motherhood, I have a far better picture of what parenting is like, what it was like for my parents raising me, how I hope to be as a mother and how I really am as a mother.

Again, I don't like it. I've got to tell you that I'm not a big fan of the subtle lessons of today that are gently narrating me along the chapters that pertain to motherhood. All of these very lessons that will prepare me to accept the blow of letting go (of my boys) and giving them away to their own special paths, their own world, as I release them from my own .

(Ben mad that his sunglasses weren't on)**

(All better now)**

Just the other day when Sullivan Ben and I walked Jackson to school, when I stooped to meet Jack's eyes, when I was at his level, when I turned and kissed him on the face, he got embarrassed. His exclamation of "Ahh Mom" hit me directly in the part of my heart reserved for tender motherly moments.

Ouch! I've got to admit people, that it stung in that parenting unexpected sort of way. Like when that first day of preschool hits and you're all ready rock solid in your mom or dad armour for when your tot begins to cry at drop off. Only they don't cry and you walk away completely defeated because you actually anticipated feedback from them in the form of tears. An emotional way of showing you "thanks for all those years at home, mommy."

Then just as soon as you get over the no show of Emo's, one day, one morning, one afternoon when you're running late, or you are wearing two different pairs of socks, you get your period in route to the preschool and you just realized that your other child had a dentist appointment, rest assured, your preschool tot will bust out the tears stored from Emo land and scream in a manic I'm.not.lettin.go.I'm.clutching.onto.the.door.handle, "MOMMYYyyyyyyy don't leaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee me."

That's parenting for you.

But I have to let it go and kiss him earlier in the walk versus in front of door number 3 where his classmates line up to enter their own unique world.

Again, if these are the things that pierce that special area in my heart, I am very very lucky as a parent. I just have to remember to be adaptable.

You may recall me talking about when Jackson had pneumonia just past 6weeks old. At that time I would have been classified as a single parent. Dubbed a single parent with BDD living in another state, I had my cat, my bird and Jackson-and just enough money to "get by." The time of the year was winter so add that to the mix and it was very isolating. Being on maternity leave from November 7Th (his due date) until January 3rd was extremely lonesome after BDD returned to Florida. Funny thing about being lonely, after awhile it becomes part of yourself if you let it, like a person tagging along with you for a long walk into a new area of a neighborhood. Not always a good thing.

But when he had pneumonia that was a new world for me. Demanding things from doctors when I never was able to even stand up for myself. Having my mom and closest friends take turns meeting me at the ER and then spending the night with me at my cozy place so that I could run to get medications, just having them there for the comfort factor helped put the lonesome shadow to bed for a short time.That was a challenging time. But looking back, it still wasn't a big deal in the large scope of things compared to what other young new parents have had to deal with.

I am lucky.

Brian and I are lucky.

I'm in a new phase now in regards to parenting. Seeing one go off to school all day long so that now I'm left with two. Seeing only one package of pull ups/diapers on the top shelf of our closet because our second son has moved onto underoos himself. Seeing our third slowly grow into his personality as he screams just to be heard.

Phases phases phases! (MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA!!!)

Therapeutic? I would like to think so, but only when I'm looking back on that time somewhere off in the future.

No matter how many changes, no matter how many times I've witnessed different phases, there are certain images that stick with me from different parts of their young life. Images of what their little faces look like gazing up into my eyes with fear as they are administered doses of 'possible protection' from the germiest of germs from Germie-land.


The tears over the shock of that prickly pinch, and silent crying rolling down their faces as that needle is stuck into them time and time again. Each time, every time, my own eyes well up with tears. Do I think vaccines are helpful? Ask me tomorrow, but not today or yesterday.

Yesterday Ben had three shots necessary for his health. Today he is limping with bruises on both thighs and a fever of 102.9, 103.1, 102.6. It's typical for my children to have reactions. But it still breaks my heart as they walk around clearly feeling like baby doodoo.

Could be worse.

In a few days I'll be receiving a call from Child and Family professionals Early Therapy Intervention. According to some pediatricians and the "charts," Ben's language is lacking, so they're calling in reinforcements to begin speech therapy within my own home. It's a state wide program that is available to children up until the age of 3 if they display signs of early language delay. I'm sure it will help him, this intervention process to get his little mouth running more with words then sounds. Yet as a young girl I too had a different language. Not a person could understand me, except my own parents.

There were people that mentioned concern to my mom that perhaps I may have issues with my hearing. Today I am long winded and detailed and speak so clearly you wish I would just shut my yap. Do I always pronounce words correctly? Nope but that's not what matters.

Now, will this in house speech therapy with a professional be helpful for Ben?

I'm sure it will be.

Is it necessary?
Ask me tomorrow but not today or yesterday.

But again I'm lucky.
We're lucky.

Sullivan had a flu shot yesterday and lucky for him there are no fevers or crabby dispositions" that his little bro is experiencing today.
I found out yesterday that he has a heart murmur.

Benign at this time.
I am lucky.
We are lucky.

But does it scare me a bit?
Ask me tomorrow but not today or yesterday.

Someday I'll be at that very point in parenting that I mentioned at the start of this long winded post, the part where I have to let them go into their own self. For now I'll manage the heartaches of my own experiences with my own children and whereas each parent has their own issues to face with their own children, I'll be grateful that these are my issues, for I know I will never be given anything I cannot handle.

I think.

Until then I'll go back to polishing off an entire batch of fudge brownies that I baked yesterday. Fully equipped with powdered sugar and a big cup of half decaf/half regular coffee. Ask me tomorrow if I'll regret it, but not today or yesterday.

*Jack's first day of school*


Kelly Jene said...

Aw sweetheart. No one was able to prepare us that our hearts would get so torn and abused in our attempt to love our children well and raise them right. I love you. I will be praying for your little men.

You're children are a gift to this world.

austere said...

They're wonderful kids, your little troopers.

I got quite senti, looking at the photos.

Thank you for sharing these.

I was a late talker too, but began with complete sentences when I did begin to speak.


Kelly: Hugs and love back to you guys too!! You are absolutely right--nothing that we do before hand, absolutely nothing, will prepare us for what it's like to carry the child, birth the child and raise the child--I use to think that the hardest part was the sacrifices while pregnant--HA! I was WRONGO! :)

Happy days and waterfalls!


Austie; They're characters for sure! I'm not too concerned with the language from Ben's mouth--he'll get it and when he does I have a feeling he'll need a Stop button installed on his lips. :) heehee.

be well!!! :)

Cheryl said...

You're so right about enjoying every day for what it is, right now. Don't worry about the future. It will surely have it's ups and downs, but you're laying the groundwork now for it and I have a feeling you'll be OK. I just wish I knew where I went wrong. If I called you now you'd only hear tears.

Susan said...

CB -

My Momma has eight children and when my two were young and driving me crazy...she gave me this sagely advice..."Just will only get worse!"

she made me curse

Portia said...

Crusty, I love your fabulosity:) And I see I have lots of it to catch up on! Beautiful post, pictures and all. I'm just jetting through at the moment to say HI and that you and your guys are in my thoughts... hope to be back sooner than-
later, gator:>


Cheryl: You know anytime, anyplace I would take your tears. Send Em here, I'll put her to work. :)

Hang in there!! I don't know what it's like to have a teenager, but I have a feeling it's very very heartwrenching!



Susan: I hope she also bought you a purse--8 kids?? 8 kids!!! WOW!
I thought coming from 5 was hectic. :)

Beads and strings are going to be one of my favorite things....



P: Take your time...with your hub always traveling, you in school, working and being a momma--I understand.
See you later ali! :)

Kstro said...

You're doing such a wonderful job cuz! They are so adorable and they each have their own personalities which you are doing a great job of developing :)
Why did Ben need 3 shots?? I think Calah was done with hers at 18 months...
Hannah had to get 2 shots the other day. I decided to get her MMR this year instead of next year because there have been outbreaks of Measles in DuPage County and they are not covered until they've had both MMR shots. She also had Hep A (which the other kids got as babies) was awful! She screamed SO LOUD. Next year she'll have to get 3 before kindergarten! AHHH!
I'm going to encourage you again to go to nursing school. I know you are insanely busy right now...TRUST ME, I KNOW. But you could just take one class at time so you aren't starting from scratch in 4 years when Ben starts 1st grade. Just take your CNA, A & P, Micro, Nutrition, and Developmental Psych. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Whoa! This comment is long!


katecuz: Hey there better half of our family from oldest to oldest :),..he needed three because one was a flu shot and the others because I didn't get them done during the 18month--which worked out because of that new type with the triple vaccines in it--plus the other one (i can't remember, was still thinking about the murmur)

Taking those 5 courses will get me where? :)

comment long all you want--you know me, long winded and stressed. :)

Kelly before cold, K?

your cool cousin,

Andrew said...

I JUST LOVE YOUR BLOG! Sorry to shout, but I wanted you to know that. I especially like the music. We are twins music wise. Take care friend!


Andrew: Just like your sister, right? :) Isn't music just absolutely relaxing? no matter what style I'm certain anyone can find a way to relax to whatever music they enjoy--to get a moment to themselves..
ahhhhhhh..G'night TUNE TWIN! :)


JLee said...

There is no better character builder and love-filled job than being a mom :)

The Real Mother Hen said...

Yes, you are blessed.

I would like to have a kid too, but life has taken me down to another path. I'm still thankful for all the great things in life though, and considered myself very blessed, a different kind of blessing :)

jAMiE said...

What a beautiful post, it really touched me...thank you for that!

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

you express the joy and pain of motherhood so beautifully - I just don't know how you find time to do it!

Gypsy said...

This was such a heartfelt and touching post and your boys are Adorable with a capital A.

You are a wonderful mum and I know you will adjust to every new phase that is presented to you. I also have every reason to believe you will cope just fine. Seeing them grow up is it's own reward.

Have a great weekend E.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Yes, sweetheart, you're lucky...but additionally those 3 adorable little boys are SO LUCKY they have you. What a wonderful mother you are! It just makes my heart swell to see a family such as yours. Big hugs honey and even though you hate to see them grow up, you're gonna have SO MUCH FUN when they are grown. Getting together with their wives for 'girl talk' will be awesome. Something wonderful to look forward to. Bless you all. Love, Val

Kstro said...

Those classes will let you apply to nursing school. :) Without them, you won't get in...
You should just do one at a time at night until you're about done and then apply to nursing school..
COD has TONS of classes at night.
ME :)